Celebrity wines

Ok, I get that I can't have a celebrity body, in any interpretation of that phrase. I get that I can't have a celebrity lifestyle. But when they make a wine? Well, the Coppolas have made it clear I can at least have that.

But oh no. Brad and Angie have to win this one. You can imagine my excitement when I saw this in my inbox:

Followed by my utter disappointment when I clicked the link and this popped up:

I mean fuck you! I know it sold out back in March, but I thought this was my chance! Then I found out that wine distributors like Shelby Ledgerwood were buying it all up. When asked if she'd tried it, Shelby said she didn't have to. Everyone wanted it, even without her opinion, so she just sold it off. Why waste a bottle? 

I think it's kind of unfair that celebrities get to have wine we can't have on top of everything else. Which means there's only one thing to do: saturate the market for celebrity wine. Below are some suggestions I have for some new celebrity wines:

Heidi Montag California 2009 Red Blend

This full bodied wine is a mish-mash of all your favorite reds. Heady aromas of strawberry and petrol entice you to take a sip, at which point you don't like it but you can't quite articulate why. It should be great, but it's a petty, ugly little wine.

Carrot Top 2011 Rose

Brilliant pink color with slight petillance. Bright and acidic with angular, precise aromas of tangerine and meth. A fine, drinkable rose perfect for wasting an entire afternoon.

Dame Judy Dench Grand Cuvee

This dusty but magnificent sparkling wine goes with everything. Stern and delightfully fungal with notes of gooseberry and flint. A treasure.

Carson Daly 1998 Cabernet Sauvignon

A star vintage that declined in the early 2000s and is now picking up an extraordinary bottle bouquet of perfume and peppy rose petal aromatics. The wine that just won't quit.