Wednesday, May 22, 2013

Karber's Korner

Greg is back! Also, he is now famous. Like actually. This post is literally dripping with priceless, priceless fame. #fitchthehomeless


You have been invited by a friend to your third Passover. (You are a Gentile.) You are very excited.

You are also running late, and have yet to find a bottle of kosher red wine. They do not sell it at the local convenience store, which is your go-to wine provider. So you travel up Silver Lake and find a place that sells twenty dollar bottles. This is four times your typical bottle budget, but you buy two so you don’t seem cheap.

Your friend drives you to the Passover party. To protect the innocent, let us call this friend “Caitlin.” Caitlin insists on showing up on time. She gives you a hard time for making her wait a few minutes in her car because she showed up too early to pick you up. She drives you to the party, on time, and you are the first to arrive by a good half hour.

This gives you an opportunity to get a head start on drinking.

You have forgotten that the Passover ceremony itself involves drinking at least four glasses of wine. You have also forgotten that the kosher-for-Passover food isn’t exactly the stuff you stuff yourself with (except for the charoses, which are always delicious).

And you have forgotten to eat a snack before you came.

To make matters worse, Caitlin is under the impression that she should refill anyone’s glasses should they get empty. This results in a severe miscalculation of alcohol consumption which leads to be a debate over whether the Easter Bunny is a religious character (he most definitely is). (editor's note: he most definitely is not. I will fight you on this one forever)

Fortunately, Caitlin drives you home.

Your roommate isn’t home, but your downstairs neighbor is. You are lonely, so you go downstairs and hang out while he watches The Office. Despite having seen this episode before, the jokes do not make sense. You excuse yourself with a sophisticated, “I’ll be right back." You stand and stumble out the front door.

You make it to the sidewalk, where you vomit red wine. Then you puke in some bushes. Then you climb the stairs to your apartment, vomit a third time in the toilet, and fall asleep on the floor.

You were never right back.

But as a First Born, you were happy just to wake up in the morning.

Come on, Karber. Look at you. You sure you're not even Jew-ish?

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