Straight talk

Wine tasting can seem like just a lot of speculation, a lot of waxing poetic on your behalf and waning interest on behalf of your companions. And it doesn't help that wine labels are printed in what may as well be code in most cases. European wines especially are incredibly difficult to decipher. They never tell you the grape, they have all sorts of levels of regions, and they have the audacity to use languages other than English.

So you can imagine my delight when I took this French rose (Saint Roch Les Vignes 2012) out of the fridge and saw this forthright label on the back:

That is chill as fuck. And this wine was as chill and straightforward as its business on the back. Not all wine has to be complex, just like not all boyfriends need to be marriage material. Sometimes it's fun to drink a simple rose. It's like dating a guy in a band.

People often assume rose wines will be sweet because they're pink. And while White Zinfandel with lots of residual sugar is common, most rose wines are tart and dry and ultra-refreshing. All they are are red grapes made in the style of white wine. This means the juice is not fermented on the skins (which is how red wines get their rich color and higher tannins). Any red grapes can be used, and this, not sweetness, is what determines the color pink the wine turns out. Syrah will yield a brilliant magenta, while Pinot Noir a delicate ballet slipper pink. "Blanc de noirs" refers to white sparkling wine made from red grapes, but roses, and sparkling roses, will do a cold soak before separating off the skins from the juice to give extra aromatics and a splash of pink.

This wine was a charming salmon color. Not too complex, it smelled floral, like perfume or honeysuckle, with bursts of citrus, chiefly lime, wet stone and white peach. It's not especially complex or layered, but honestly, when it's 80 degrees at 8pm and you just want a cool glass of something tart and peppy, who has time to sit and analyze and pontificate and consider? 

I have more important things to do.

If only Francis could take a cue from this wine and live life honestly. And have a label that looks like a frowning sundial.

Wtf is...

Petillance?

Sometimes white wine that isn't sparkling has little bubbles in it. This is called petillance. Like most of us raised to be effervescent, is usually not an error. Bubbles occur naturally in a wine when fermentation happens in a closed container. That's how classic champagne is made. But a little spritz can be added to white wines so that their aromatics will carry up to your nose rather than sitting in the glass. Call it pseudo-sparkling if you like. You will be wrong to call it that, but you will make sense. If you want to be right and pretentious and often misunderstood, say the wine has petillance. I feel like I've given you a fair breakdown of acceptable options here. Petillance lifts light aromatics in whites so you can enjoy them more lazily.

Spritz and shout

WTF are...

Tannins. What are they? Where do they come from? Who's peach is this, can I have it? It's not labeled. But then, how do you label a peach? These are just some of the questions you might have.

Tannins are molecules that taste bitter and cause dryness in the mouth. But what seems like bad-tasting dork-science is actually a crucial part of wine, especially if it's meant to age. And what were once thought to be nutritionally neutral at best are now known to be good for our health. So bring on the dark chocolate, pair it with a nice red wine, and read on.

Tannins come into wine a couple different ways. First, grape skins have tannins. Since red wine is red because of skin contact, it generally has more tannins than white. The amount of tannins is influenced by the thickness of the skin and the time spent in contact with it. Cabernet Sauvignon and Syrah, for example, are thick skinned grapes, so they tend to yield tannic wines. Because the skins contain aromatics, sometimes winemakers will do a cold soak for whites. This means they allow the wine to spend some time in contact with the skins quickly, just to extract a little flavor. This will up the astringency (dry mouth factor, and how tannins are referred to in white wines). Winemakers will taste grapes for their "physiological ripeness" which is, in part, a judgement of their level of tannin (as opposed to their physical ripeness, which is just how ripe the fruit is).

Another place we get tannins is from wood. So an oak-aged Cabernet is going to be crazy tannic, and an oaked Chardonnay may have more tannins than an unoaked or lightly oaked Pinot Noir, a thin-skinned grape. Tannins help a wine age, so oak is often used for this purpose. This is also why red wines age best.

More bonuses? While tannins give headaches to some people, they improve vascular health in everyone. Antioxidants in red wine have also been shown to decrease the risk of cancer.

But sometimes tannins can be a bit much, their texture getting in the way of the wine's flavor. This is when we decant wines. If a wine is meant to be aged and we open it early, or just has too many tannins for our liking, we can speed up the aging process by pouring it out of the bottle and letting it relax for a spell. As the wine sits, the tannins link up and sink to the bottom of the vessel. Then they're not so strong. Most wines, however, do not need to be decanted, and contact with oxygen at room temperature will cause aromatics to release, making the wine blander than it ought to be. So don't decant unless the tannins are really getting on your nerves.

Fat softens tannins, which is why we serve red meats with tannic wines like Cabernet and Syrah. But tannins combined with fish oils will taste metallic, while tannins plus another bitter element like heirloom lettuces will create an overwhelmingly bitter sensation. If you like your big reds, make sure you give them a bold meal so they can be at their best.

What do you think, J, they ready?

WTF are...

Sulfites. The boogeyman of the wine world, in that a lot of annoying people claim to be allergic to the boogeyman, sulfites often get a bad rap. But what are they, really?

The warning on a label of wine that says it "contains sulfites" simply means it contains sulfer dioxide. And as gross and scary as that sounds, it's a naturally occurring chemical compound found in all wines to some extent, even organic ones. Additional sulfer dioxide is sometimes added as a preservative, and in these cases, there are certain rules about organic wine and how much sulfer dioxide it can contain.

The other place sulfites come into play is in the sanitization of wine and winemaking equipment. Wine is a food product, which means there are health and safety regulations. But soap or other cleaning materials can mess with the wine. Better to sanitize and preserve wine with sulfites, which are already naturally present.

This isn't to say additional sulfite use is undetectable. Overuse can create aromas of matchsticks, burning rubber or mothballs not otherwise found in the wine. A girl in my class was particularly sensitive to this (also the scent of pear. She smelled that shit in every. Single. Wine. Except for the ones that actually smelled like pear). Once Shelby Ledgerwood figured out she was smelling mothballs in wines with more sulfites used, we all stopped hating that girl so much.

It's always good to be wary of what goes into your wine. Pesticides are certainly an issue, and one the wine industry has yet to figure out. Organic wine is different from wine made with organic grapes. Kosher wines no come in a variety of delicious styles, not just Manischewitz. Figure out what's right for you and go for it. But don't be scared of sulfites.

Also don't pretend you're allergic to them. Shelby Ledgerwood says true sulfite allergies are incredibly rare. It's more likely your headache is coming from tannins. More on those soon...

"Back in sulfite-ette cit-ay!" ugh the worst

WTF is...

Terroir. It sounds so impressive but it would sound pretty unimpressive if you used it incorrectly at dinner. Or worse, if you used it correctly and your date asked you what it meant and you couldn't say and then he's like, hmm, it's just hard for me to get past this because my mom was a wannabe intellectual and a liar and I have issues with women and trust and I'm just really busy right now and unfortunately you will be alone forever, please pack your knives and go.

The good news is, terroir has a beautiful, one-word definition: "somewhereness." Ok, so that's not a word, but it is the definition Shelby Ledgerwood gave and it is pretty perfect. Terroir is the combination of climate, soil and geographical features that creates a wine's unique aromatics. It's the environment in which the grapes were produced.

While grape varietal is the most important factor in determining how a wine smells and tastes, terroir, along with viticulture, winemaking and ageing, is also important. Not only that, it is the factor with the most variety and the least human control. Basically, grape varietal and terroir are nature, and viticulture, winemaking and ageing are nurture.

Different grape varietals require different types of terroirs to ripen properly. While the Great 8 (Pinot Gris/Grigio, Sauvignon Blanc, Chardonnay, Riesling, Pinot Noir, Merlot, Cabernet Sauvignon and Syrah/Shiraz) can grow in many locations, they still require certain specifications to thrive. Other grapes are even more particular about their required terroirs. But regardless, the same grape grown in different parts of the world will create wine that tastes different.

That's not only what makes terroir so special, but also useful in labeling wines. Every country has levels of classifying wines, from basic table wines on up. The highest level (and often the bulk of wines, because winemakers take pride in their work) are classified not using political boundaries, but terroir. Regions of particular terroirs are specified, then sub-regions within those, and finally, vineyards and estates within those. Generally, the more specific, the better, and each country has laws about what you need to do to get which level of specificity on your label. This is why France, the first country to have laws about wine production and labeling, doesn't always have the grape varietal on the bottle. Once you get to a certain level and get to define by specific regions, there are rules about which grapes are allowed in the bottle anyway. For example, a white Burgundy will almost always be a Chardonnay, as that is the chief white grape for that region. If the bottle says French Chardonnay, it doesn't mean it's bad, it just means it didn't meet classification-by-terroir-requirements. At the very top levels in France, you can even tell where on a specific slope in a particular vineyard the grapes grew! In the US, you might notice some wines say things like "California Champagne" while others specify a wine growing region like Napa Valley, or even a particular state. We've got rules, too, and while they're not so strict, the same thing goes for specificity: it's generally a good thing.

Ok, ok, whatever, how can I use this word in a sentence that will make others feel inferior? Terroir can affect wine in so many wines, it would be hard to make a wrong observation as long as you keep it vague. Whether it's a climate thing (ripe, fruit-forward wines probably got a lot of sunshine, maybe a late harvest, while thin-skinned grapes like Pinot Noir come from cooler climates), a fun fact about soil (gravel for Cabernet Sauvignon, clay and limestone for Merlot, and terra rosa, an iron-rich soil, for a boost in tannins), or geography (proximity to water and altitude make a difference), a brief observation can send you into charming speculation of the wine's heritage, and maybe, after another glass and a discussion of your own and how you got to be some damn clever.

Some terroirs:

Santa Barbara!

Temecula!

Inside of a whale!