Wine + the World

Here are some cool things about the world:

-Sustains life. Excellent!
-There's boys there. (Hehehehe)
-It's where wine and puzzles are made, and my family is.
-Friendships happen here, as well.

No wonder there's science and that Louis Armstrong song! The world is so cool. But what happens when worlds collide? Well, according to movies, usually not the best of stuff. So you can understand Whitney's apprehension when tasting the 2013 Clos Cibonne, a wine that combines the best of Old World and New World flavors:

As you know, I am a huge fan of the tastings at Silverlake Wine. I recently dragged dear treasure Whitney Ralls to one of their incredible Sunday tastings. The theme: France. The food: heavenly sandwiches and pastries from Proof Bakery. Our attire: crisp summer frocks which nearly wilted on the walk and were immediately replaced with light pajama-wear when we got back to my house (sterling, intelligent conversation was replaced by me bullying her into watching Bachelor in Paradise). The standout wine: Clos Cibonne.

I also got a new puzzle :)

This wine moonlights as a Wes Anderson title sequence.

The taste-master (great term I just invented) told us all about this special wine, which comes out every year to varying degrees of success. It's always good, but some years it is WOW. 2013 was one of those years. The reason for this is it's made from an uncommon and temperamental grape, Tibouren. Tibouren is a lighter and more sensitive grape than some of its other South-of-France buddies. The color of the wine is more transparent than others typical of the region, but still with a richness to it. The result is a stunning, ruby red wine with exceptional clarity. 

But wines, unlike humans, can't be judged by their appearance. Our taste-master told us this was wine for wine geeks, a grape for people who are really into grapes. But on the palate, this is a crowd-pleaser. A jock, if you will. A jock with a sense of humor and a guitar. On the nose there's a nice Old World funk to it, as well as a chocolate-y aroma. But give it a swirl and you get red cherry and raspberries, like a classic Pinot Noir. Taste it and in addition to those fruits, a strawberry rhubarb quality and a flat cola vibe accompany the earthy flavors. The result is a juicy yet down-to-earth wine that combines Old World aromatics with New. Pair this wine with almost anything, particularly a rich and salty but still oh-so-light ham and cheese croissant from Proof Bakery. It is truly out of this world.

And while you're at it, combine some other old world and new world traditions. Like women and voting. Pumpkins and Times Square. Interesting art from various ancient Chinese dynasties and bras. Cappuccino and potato chips NO NOT THAT EVER CHAD SCOTT MUST BE STOPPED, MY FLAVOR SUGGESTIONS WERE BETTER, THAT IS WHY I AM COMBINING REVOLUTION AND POTATO CHIPS LET US RISE UP AGAINST THE EVIL THAT IS THE CAPPUCCINO CHIP. I TRIED ONE TINY BITE AND PUT THE REST DOWN, IT WAS THE WORST BITE OF MY LIFE!!!!!!

Guys... his bio. That background photo. His follower count. Also he challenged the other flavor finalists to the ice bucket challenge and they ignored him and it's so great. My flavor suggestions included Miso and Paella. You know, delicious salty foods that actually make sense as a chip???

Ok. Phew. Time to calm down. Maybe I need just one more teensy tiny half glass of Clos Cibonne... Yes, I can see that I am all worked up over these damn chips and that ought to remedy things quite nicely. Goodnight!

What I did on my six month vacation

Here are some things I did while you all waited patiently for my blog to return:

-Turned 28. I got 17 bottles of wine. These are now gone.
-Fulfilled my dream of writing for television, and my body's dream of eating the diet of a television writer (one million bags of popcorn per day).
-Took some of the popcorn with me. A lot. Like a bag a day. To have after the show ended. These are now gone.
-Got a Fitbit to combat fatness and/or body shame. Got too into the Fitbit. Have Fitbit addiction shame.
-Just checked my Fitbit.
-I took this picture:

-I took this picture:

-I took this picture no jk that's me I'm right there:

-I danced like nobody was watching because nobody was watching, I was just in my room by myself.

-I feel like my hair looked really good at the fair. Like better than that goat's hair or whatever that is. Not sure what I'm doing with my mouth but it seems pretty clear what I'm doing with my hair: killin it.

-I got like four new bras. My bra game has changed completely. I'm so, so, so, so different.

-I stopped liking the library. NOPE LOL GOT YOU I LOVE IT.

-I went to my brother's wedding and it was so great and so beautiful and I am so happy for him.

-I got into the Bachelor franchise. Pretty much have the same feelings about that as I did about my brother's wedding. 

-Just got in a few steps on the Fitbit walking to the kitchen to see if I have any more popcorn. I didn't. :(

The best wine in the world...

Is friendship. Duh. But the second best wine in the world is R. Lopez de Heredia "Vina Gravonia" Bianco Rioja 2004 and on Sunday, I had both.

My beautiful bestie. Not the girl in the background. That's my Ultimate Nemesis.

Pictured is Ms. Julia Cox, Friend Supreme as well the writer of this smart people equivalent to fan fiction. In this photo, she's not actually drinking the second best wine in the world, because when we were served the second best wine in the world, we were a little too busy exclaiming over it to bother with a picture.

If you've yet to attend a tasting at Silverlake Wine, remedy that immediately. Not only do they use my preferred spelling of "Silverlake" (the incorrect, one word spelling), it is simply the best wine tasting experience you can have. Somehow the folks there find the exact sweet spot between knowledgable and laid back, meaning anyone, from the most distinguished oenophile to the most dedicated beer drinker can have a hell of a time. For 12 bucks on Monday and Thursday evenings, you can have a delicious flight of generous pours. Mondays feature a spread of complimentary cheeses, Thursday's, bread and the finest butter I have ever known, and both nights you're welcome to bring food in. Killer food trucks linger outside, and one time my dear friend Aubrey brought in a pizza and that was ENCOURAGED.

But Sundays. Oh, man, Sundays at Silverlake Wine. I had no idea. I had some idea. I am on their mailing list. Sunday tastings are more formal (relatively speaking). They require a reservation. There are little speeches before each wine. They have start time of 3pm, which says, "this is serious wine tasting, not after work drinks." Sunday tastings are 20 dollars, feature five wines and come with an impossibly delicious spread of food. I finally went this past Sunday and, 3 hours later, dawdled home in the best mood ever and bought a ticket to The Lego Movie and went by myself and it was dope, obviously.

Just the atmosphere and company alone would have been enough. But, as I said, there was also this wine. This wine:

This wine.

I don't believe in love at first sight. Probably because people are constantly claiming to be in it with me like 24/7/365 plus more, like many times per day. But this was love at first sniff and I know it with all my heart.

This is the strangest wine I've ever tasted. The name of the grape escapes me, but it's definitely not one I've tried. It's an aged white, which is rare. Ten years old for a white is generally seen as too much. But whatever they're doing at this winery, they're killing it. Cool thing is, they don't exactly know. Most places that age in oak barrels use small, new ones so a wine will get lots of oak flavors (for whites this generally means the buttery, biscuit-y aromatics associated with California Chardonnay). These guys use old, big barrels, which means less direct contact with oak and less oak flavor. What's more, they don't wash them. Most places wash after every season. Nope. Here they love their wine so much they're afraid of changing anything, so they keep it as is, grime and all.

And it's easy to imagine a magic bacteria is the key to the success here. The first sniff was packed full of earthy, salty, rich aromatics. Brie cheese. Mushrooms. Julia said mushrooms on toast, and that's dead on because of the butter and near salinity in there as well. But there's also honeysuckle. Dried apricot. This wine is bone dry on the palate, not sweet at all, but there are layers we'd normally associate with a dessert wine--honey, dried fruits. It's old, but has the minerality and refreshing zing of a young Sauvignon Blanc. Lemon curd. Rosemary! Name an unexpected aromatic and it was probably in there. And it kept changing. They had decanted the wine for an hour (another rarity with whites). When I got a second pour after the tasting (4 dollars extra. FOUR DOLLARS FOR A GLASS OF THIS HEAVEN), it was a whole new bouquet.

We tried the wine with the delectable fish stew from Heirloom LA, but found it went better without food. There's so much happening here, you just want to take tiny sips and big whiffs forever and keep searching. If I had to pair this wine with something, I'd pair it with a little bit of pot. The things you would find!

I bought two bottles, and I plan to serve them with a nice little cheese plate and stellar conversation. If you happen to be in the neighborhood with 29.50 to spare, I highly recommend you do the same. I also cannot recommend friendship enough. Just, so good.

Wine + activities

Wine and activities. An interesting combination. I've done some fine work will sipping on a little something: writing, kissing, internet dating. But sometimes, you gotta cut yourself off.

Paul wisely brought me nothing but a hug home that evening.

Other times, you forego a stunning, forest green leather skort because of tummy emphasis you never would have noticed if you'd had a drink or two:

Alas, the zippers.

The key is to recognize the level at which you are most productive and creative with your decision-making in regards to wine and then maintain that drunkenness as much as possible.

I hit the sweet spot tonight.

Pouring a little of my delicious wine from the night prior (that heavenly Zin) in full gym gear while slamming against a thick writers block until it yielded, I nailed it. One sip and I was in. I got more done in an hour and a half than I had all day. Not more in terms of volume. More in terms of good.

Now, I knew this level of sharpness and creativity was a special place, and not one that I could easily maintain. So, right around the time I passed the sweet spot, I opened up Paint and made this graph. It charts not how good or bad a decision is, but how interesting. That's why great writing can happen a little tipsy, but not wasted.

*The exception here is, of course, dancing, which can be done gracefully, creatively and stunningly between 0 and 6 glasses of wine, and erotically for many drinks after that depending on tolerance. Great dance decisions have been made at all wine-drunk levels.

The biggest boost happens at the first sip, with diminishing returns after that. it's the idea of wine, the relaxation it provides, that does more than the actual alcohol. By glass five, you're making dumb decisions you think are fascinating. You're wrong.

Something happens at glass six, though. A bottle of wine holds five glasses. So at 6, you're determining this is a fucking NIGHT. It's where you go from drunk to crunk. It's where you go from let's go to 7-11 to let's rob a 7-11. It's where most web series are born. Are these ideas good? No. But they are interesting. Most people's cool drunk stories take place at 6. Most stories people tell about being drunk are beyond that. But the really good ones, the ones people pass along? 6s. Just like the guys my girlfriends set me up with. Not hot enough to do again, but interesting enough to keep around.

Now, as they say on Radio Lab every fucking second, here's where it gets really interesting. The most interesting decisions are made at 6 glasses of wine, yes, but this is unsustainable. You can make one great decision but then your next decision will invariably be to drink more, and your next decisions after that will be boring or incapable of being made. The second glass may be the most freeing, the third the most arousing, and the 5th the funniest to read texts from in the morning, but it's glass 1 where you're at your most productive. Salud!

Oh I fancy huh

It may shock some of you to learn that these posts aren't all that official. Like the Schouten Feelings Standard has yet to be adopted by sommeliers worldwide. Lame. For fun, I thought I'd share a proper tasting note I did last spring for my wine class. It also allows me to brag about the one time I drank a wine that cost more than $20 (thanks, Dad). True tasters will evaluate wines the same way every time, taking down each detail from price to palate. This allows them to compare wines efficiently, even if they haven't tasted a particular wine in a while.

Below my tasting note (after the terribly framed photo. Thanks, self) is an explanation of how to draw each of these official, non-feelings-based conclusions. Even if you don't plan to ever make a proper tasting note, these tips will help you evaluate wine wherever you are and whatever your price point. Because engaging our senses is fun! Speaking of fun, quick puzzle update, I am TEARING THROUGH this thing even without a box top so I don't know what it looks like. It's a great puzzle full of twists and turns and things are going really well between us.

Francis Ford Coppola Director's Cut 2011 Merlot
Sonoma County, CA
$20.99, 13.5% ABV

Appearance: A normal red wine in the glass. Only the tiniest bit transparent, mostly opaque. Ruby red with a little purpley-blue.

Nose: Earth aromas of forest floor and oak alongside black cherry, blackberry and smoke. A little caramel, coconut and cedar as well.

Palate: Dry wine with sweetness at the tip of the tongue. Fruit-forward with a little raspberry in addition to the black cherry and blackberry. Lots of earth and smoke here as well. Finish is medium to long, especially since the caramel and coconut really hang on the alcohol. Both acidity and tannins and low to medium, and the quality of the tannins are smooth and round.

Conclusion: I'd call this wine layered but not complex. It is straightforward in its many aromatics, which hit fruit and earth and winemaking right on the head. To enhance the smoke, pair with grilled meats in a lighter marinade or chipotle-spiced tacos.

Tasting note breakdown

Heading: Here you will provide all practical information about the wine. If wine tasting is like dating (which I have already told you it is), this is where you get the basic details: height, job, dopeness of hairstyle.

Appearance: Unlike in dating, here the appearance is the least important factor in determining anything about anything. A few clues, however, can give us potential insight into a wine's age, style and grape varietal, but all must be confirmed by other factors. A quick swirl can help you determine the body of the wine. Unless a wine is high in sugar and alcohol, like port, which will move more slowly, it should be in the normal range.

When I say age, I mean age for that wine. A Cabernet may be too young to drink even after a few years, while a Sauvignon Blanc should be consumed quickly and will start to look old perhaps after only 18 months. Red wines get lighter with age while white wines get darker. A young red wine will have a purpley-blue tone that reaches all the way to the edge of the liquid when the glass is tipped slightly, while over time the color will move toward a translucent rust-brown color. White wines will be clear and bright in youth, then they'll brown over time. But a good Pinot Noir is often transparent, and a beautiful Amarone will be brown-ish in color even when young. And you may prefer an older wine. I sometimes do. Young wines will yield more fruit-forward flavors. Older wines develop what is known as a "bottle bouquet" and have weirder, more complex, tertiary flavors in play.

This is also the time to notice sediment or petillance. Sediment is extremely rare and usually a good thing. Most wine now is fined and filtered, expect for old or fancy or super organic wines. So before you send a sediment-y wine back, consider how expensive it is. Seriously. The more expensive, the more likely that sediment is supposed to be there. What you believe is sediment may also be tartrates, a natural byproduct of tartaric acid, which is the acid from grapes. Not an issue. Petillance is common in delicate whites. If you see it in a red that's not supposed to sparkle, it could be a sign of bad things. Ask your server for their opinion.

Nose: Contrary to popular belief, you should not immediately swirl your wine. You'll actually pick up a different set of aromatics when a wine is still and right after it's been swirled. So give it a good sniff and make some notes before swirling. Then spin and get your nose up in there again. Cool, right? The incomparable Shelby Ledgerwood gave us a neat tip for helping to determine what we're smelling: start broad then narrow it down. So start with citrus, then consider what kind and even what form. Fresh grapefruit. Lemon curd. Dried orange peel. Start with earth, then narrow that down: dirt, leather, tobacco, horse. I don't always get all the way there (see: "earth" in every post I've ever written), but it makes trying less intimidating.

Palate: The same as nose, plus more! You may get slightly different aromatics on the palate (known as "in-mouth aromatics"). To help with that, hold the wine in your mouth and suck a little air in through your teeth. You'll get a little slurping noise. The air coming in helps you activate your nose, which is where tasting really happens. Our mouths only taste sweet, salty, bitter, sour and umami. Everything else is scent. Here you'll evaluate those taste elements (dry wine or sweet, how dry and how sweet?). Salty wines don't really exist, but some super fresh whites will be so dry they'll seem salty, as you'll salivate a lot after drinking them. Bitterness comes from tannin. The tannin level will inform your serving and pairing suggestions (which will come in the conclusion). Fats cut tannins, and bitter foods like greens boost the bitterness. Most wines do NOT need to be decanted or oxygenated or let to breathe. Only super tannic wines require this, so don't pour out your reds automatically. Taste first, pour second. The acidity and finish are also evaluated here. I'm terrible at evaluating acidity. I think it's like determined by the sides of your tongue? And how dry your mouth is after? Sorry, bros. The finish is how long the flavors persist on the palate. 2-4 seconds is short, 5-8 is medium, 9+ is long. A classic "one Mississippi, two Mississippi..." in your head will do.

Conclusion: Here is where you evaluate anything you want about the wine. The value for it's price, what to serve with it, when to drink it, how it compares to other wines of its varietal and/or region. It seems like a good spot for some feelings, but a true taster will be using an objective system. It's not about if you like it, it's about the structure, nose, and quality of the wine. I tend to do a little of each. I try to evaluate first objectively, then in terms of how much I like it. This allows me to determine the kinds of wines I like to drink. So at this point, even without my recent discovery that I'm embarrassingly predictable, I know I enjoy a murky, dirty, Old World-style wine. Give proper tasting a try. At the very least, you'll have taken a moment out of your drinking to engage the senses. If that's not the best form of meditation, I don't know what is.

Wine + nothing: a true lush's guide to wine pairing

Wine is amazing and also terrifying. Wine combines a beautiful history with fascinating science with a treasure hunt of sensations (aromatics! Tannins! Mouth-feel!) with getting rosy-cheeked and uninhibited. The problem is that when you don’t know every detail about all of this stuff, you can feel like wine is like that exclusive foursquare game the cool girls in third grade started where they said they had a rule of “no lines” so only the four of them could play but then when one of them was sick and you asked if now you could join they said they didn’t feel like playing foursquare today and you wanted to die a petite and horrible third grade death. So you pretend you don’t care about foursquare or mouth-feel because you’re not in the club.

Nothing creates this feeling of inadequacy more than wine pairings. I’ve taken wine classes. I have a little confidence. But when it comes to pairing wine with food, I’m usually at a bit of a loss, because the rules are full on bullshit. Ideally, you’re supposed to open up a few bottles and taste each with the food. I’m sorry, but who has the cash for that? Who has the food all ready to go before wine pouring time? And who’s throwing a dinner party at our age where it’s not up to the guests to bring beverages? This “ideal” situation is fraught.

So here’s my solution: don’t pair wine with food. Pair wine with feelings.

Are you feeling anxious? Calm down with something rich and red to dive into, like Syrah or Cabernet or Don Draper making you jam. Sweaty? I don’t care if you’re serving beef, you need a crisp Sauvignon Blanc to cool down. Already pretty drunk? Low-alcohol, mega refreshing Lambrusco is the way to go.

Pairing wine with feelings is most important when you’re not serving it with anything at all. Here I think it’s fair to make some hard and fast rules that you should totally break depending on your mood, what you like to drink, and what you have on hand/know how to open.

Official wine pairing rule: Serve red wine with red meat.

Wine + feelings rule: Serve red wine with rain.

Rain inspires either grouchy or poetic feelings. Either way, with both hands on your glass and your nose deep in it, sink into the murkiest, earthiest red you can find (if you have only one bottle of wine in your home, this qualifies) and read “Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban” again because—controversial statement alert—it is the best one by far.

Official wine pairing rule: Serve white wine with fish or vegetables.

Wine + feelings rule: Serve white wine after sex.

Let me set the scene here. You were funny and cool at dinner. Your partner was right there with you. Dinner progressed to your place which progressed to yesssssss. Now you’re thinking the water/cuddle/dream sharing aspect could be extended by sharing a glass or a bottle. You gulp your wine, thirsty from your coital adventures, feasting on the other person’s descriptions of when they knew they liked you. You throw back your head and let out a throaty, ultra-charming laugh and in the light from the bedside lamp, your hair is tousled and your neck is swan-like and your ears are a delicate arabesque and your teeth… are bright f-ing red. If you’re drinking fast and not eating and up close and personal, stick to white.

Official wine pairing rule: Don’t serve wine that’s been open for more than a day.

Wine + feelings rule: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA what am I a sultan? A sultan made of wine? Yeah no I’m def drinking this.

Official wine pairing rule: Make sure the acidity of the wine is higher than the acidity of the food.

Wine + feelings rule: Don’t drink wine before dropping acid. Let the acid kick in first, then decide how you feel.

Official wine pairing rule: High tannin wine like Cabernet needs to be cut with something fatty like steak, and will taste bitter if served with salad or other greens.

Wine + feelings rule: Don’t feel guilty about enjoying a glass of wine, or ordering the cheapest bottle on the menu, or not knowing the history of barrel making. It will make your experience bitter and fruitless. Enjoy yourself. A little treat and the pleasure it gives you is lovelier than all the fad diets and wine books in the world. Also, if you drink wine and eat salad, you are a straight up French person and I would like to be your friend.

But really, the only rule that matters when tasting and pairing and drinking and learning about wine is to have fun. Actually, additional rule, have enough cheap stemware that you can be super gracious if someone breaks a glass. Because there’s nothing that doesn’t go with being a lovely hostess.

(still super into this graphic which i made with my own treasured hands)

I just did this...

Won't you join me and we can do our tasting kitz together?

The thing I wish I'd done, though, is actually work up the nerve to dye my hair this wine-inspired color, as it appeared when I was beneath a red spotlight. Thoughts?

wine + meditation

I took a break from wine classes this quarter to try a meditation class. I'm constantly multi-tasking and believe this is leading to additional stress and anxiety in my life. I've also heard meditation can improve focus for people with ADD, and I'm weaning off my meds. So this seemed like a good move, even if it meant taking a break from organized drinking.

During our first class, we tried meditative eating. The instructor stretched out a single grape into a seven minute guided meditation. She had us consider the soil it came from, the work it took to grow the grape and to get it to the store, the texture of the grape, the smell and, finally, the taste. Focusing all my energy on this one grape was illuminating. Not only did it elevate the experience of eating, it also allowed me to appreciate the grape on a level I never thought possible.

Naturally, it wouldn't be long before I was doing this with wine.

I opened a nice bottle (Francis Ford Coppola Director's Cut 2011 Merlot), poured myself a glass and meditated on the wine before me. I thought it would be a wonderful experience.

I was super fucking right.

Our image of the solo drinker is a sad one. Some guy in a bar whining to the barkeep, a girl with vodka in a water bottle tucked beneath her pillow to cope at night. But in these scenarios, the drinking itself is never the purpose. It's the forgetting, the catharsis, the emotional numbing.

But meditative drinking, like meditative eating, proved to be a spiritual experience because the attention was on the act itself. Focusing on the weight of the glass in my hand, the color of the wine (it helps that burgundy is my second favorite color, after gold. And gold is sort of the color of white wine. So.), everyone who put time and effort into the process of growing the grapes and making the wine, everyone who helped in the discovery and refining of these techniques. The smell, and my breath as I exhaled, the purposeful breathing that smelling is, the marvel of smelling at all. Evolutionarily, smell is basically obsolete for humans. It now has no purpose but pleasure, really. The nose can be the clitoris of the face, if you let it. Finally, the taste, and not just the taste, but the way the wine made my mouth feel. The wonder of salivating.

The last parts, the look and smell and taste, I realized, are nothing more than a tasting note. And THEN I realized, I did a tasting note of this wine for class last quarter, and had it saved but not published under the title "oh I fancy huh" because I so rarely drink wine over $8! (this was a 5 cent wine sale splurge, hence the two bottles). In addition to this wholly whimsical post, below please find a proper tasting note for your future reference/pretension.

Finally, I wondered if I might enjoy bringing a meditative experience to more activities. So before I wrote this post, I took a moment and rested my hands on my keyboard, appreciating the opportunity to write and communicate and add purpose to my consumption of beverages. It, too, was truly wonderful.

I understand that I sound like quite a dick.

I'm going to go meditate on that.

Francis Ford Coppola Director's Cut 2011 Merlot
Sonoma County, CA
$20.99, 13.5% ABV

Appearance: A normal red wine in the glass. Only the tiniest bit transparent, mostly opaque. Ruby red with a little purpley-blue.

Nose: Earth aromas of forest floor and oak alongside black cherry, blackberry and a smoke. A little caramel, coconut and cedar as well.

Palate: Dry wine with sweetness at the tip of the tongue. Fruit-forward with a little raspberry in addition to the black cherry and blackberry. Lots of earth and smoke here as well. Finish is medium to long, especially since the caramel and coconut really hang on the alcohol. Both acidity and tannins and low to medium, and the quality of the tannins are smooth and round.

Conclusion: I'd call this wine layered but not complex. It is straightforward in its many aromatics, which hit fruit and earth and winemaking right on the head. To enhance the smoke, pair with grilled meats in a lighter marinade or chipotle tacos.

I'm alive!

Been a delinquent poster lately, but don't worry, I'm still keeping it very fresh all the time.

Yeah those are emergency jugs of water in the background. They've come with me on my last two moves, they're sure as shit coming on this one. And yeah, this is a KICKASS LIBRARY BOOK that i read most of in a day. That day was yesterday. Pick up a copy. It's straight up thrilling.

Remember to keep even your red wine in the fridge during these muggy summer months! Leaving it on the counter can mean losing out on aromas and even causing wine to go bad. Take red wine out of the fridge an hour before serving.

I'll hopefully be back in the swing of things and blogging regularly soon. I know my tens of readers miss me desperately, and I miss you all, too! Not emotionally. Just like... we don't miss each other, do we? k bye

Wine withdrawal

NO!

I'm doing a 10-day cleanse, so no new wines this week. The lack of wine means "Mistresses" is about 80% less compelling than I once thought, but otherwise I haven't noticed much of a difference. Also "Mistresses" is still amazing. Everyone watch "Mistresses." There are ghosts.

Wine withdrawal isn't as bad as I thought it would be. That could be because I'm only two and a half days in, or because there are so many worse parts of this cleanse (no sugar including most fruits, no refined flour, no caffeine) all of which I'd rather use a cheat on (and have).

What I miss most about wine is the sensory engagement. The taking a break from my day to truly relish something, as opposed to guiltily procrastinating. The being drunk.

But all these things actually make it easier for me to go without wine (or any other booze, and I've just started getting good at cocktails) than carbs, sugar and caffeine. I don't appreciate those things. I don't take advantage. Instead, I take them for granted, which makes missing them all the harder. I wasn't prepared! I wish I'd created a blog all about plums before I was without them and it was too late. Don't it always seem to go... And I only have to give this stuff up for ten days. Being old means having to give up delicious things for like, ever.

So here's my challenge to you for today: enjoy something you take for granted. If you dig your mid-afternoon oatmeal, write it a poem. If you enjoy your nightly dose of reality TV, laugh and cry and feel just a little bit harder. If you are a boy in a relationship, tell your girlfriend she is beautiful in a cool and specific way. Seriously, I don't get why guys don't do that more? Every girl likes to hear it. No matter who she is or how long you've been together, give her compliments. This is crucial. Also, guys, flowers. Come on. So easy. Trader Joe's has them for like 4 bucks. Your girlfriend will appreciate it so hard. I'd make such a good dude.

Ooh, I am so going to buy flowers for my next bottle of wine. It's so pretty.

Love this!

A fantastic little cheat sheet!

Champagne tutorial

Opening champagne can be hard. Or it can be adorable, as evidenced by the ultra-charming Sarah Streicher. Watch below and learn! And for more of Sarah, click this link right HERE.

A great blog that isn't mine

They exist! Obviously. This is a tonally uneven marriage between a sad person's Instagram and the diary of a lesser Kardashian.

Check out The Reverse Wine Snob. Fantastic reviews for all us aspiring oenophiles who don't have the cash to support fancy drinking habits. And he takes recommendations, which I feel like is the 21st century version of having a court taster for the king. Only this guy tries cheap wine before you do and makes sure it's good enough to impress people at dinner parties. Which is basically 30% of the point of wine, as illustrated below:

Follow Jon on Twitter for the newest and tastiest reviews!

twitter

just made one for the site! for off-the-cuff wine+feelings, check out @wineandfeelings

(for brilliant jokes and earnest observations on the greatest television program of the decade, NBC's The Voice, I'm still @SCHOUTOUT)

here is a picture of a great tattoo. notice the baby mermaid inside the mermaid.

Death is certain

I'm not sure when I started using this phrase, but it's become by go-to lately. 90% of the time it's to describe a bleak situation like a hangover or a party or an aspect of my life. The other 10% of the time, it's my glass-half-empty, slightly-more-original version of YOLO. Last weekend I pitched my best friend a tattoo on my hipbone of a unicorn encircled in a heart and the heart is made of the words "death is certain." "I should get that tattoo!" I said. She said maybe in a very supportive way. "I should get that tattoo TONIGHT," said I and she replied with a firm "NO." I told her I was testing her to make sure she was honest with me even when it wasn't what I wanted to hear. I was lying to her. In that moment I actually thought the tattoo was a great idea. You know what I should get actually? A tattoo on my forehead that says "do not give me any tattoos I might ask for." It would only appear when I had been drinking. No one steal that idea. I think it's like half of a really great screenplay.

What does this have to do with wine? Weirdly, a lot. As you know, this level of my wine course is about viticulture and viniculture. Now that we've learned all about growing grapes, we're onto making wine. The other night, the brilliant Shelby Ledgerwood brought up the irony of the most crucial step of the winemaking process: fermentation. Fermentation is when yeast is added to the grape juice. In an oxygen-free environment, the yeast consumes sugar, creating carbon dioxide and alcohol as the byproducts. The fermentation process stops when the yeast either runs out of sugar (low to normal alcohol, dry wines) or the alcohol level gets too high for the yeast to survive (normal-high alcohol, sweeter wines). What Shelby pointed out is that it is the yeast's own byproduct, its own essential contribution to the wine, that ultimately is its demise.

I loved this. It stuck with me. I kept turning it over in my brain. Literally turning it over, seeing it as a metaphor for life in both positive and negative ways. On the one hand, what we consume and what we create will destroy us. On the other hand, it's the byproduct of survival.

I love to drink. Like, I adore it. I know wine tasting is bullshit but it is the most fun bullshit there is. It's a treasure hunt of the senses. I know how dumb that sounds. I don't care. When I'm writing, I love to have a beverage--coffee, tea, diet coke, cocoa, wine, whiskey, this great liver cleanse. I love the flush in my face and the sparkle of the light in my glass and pretty much everything about ice cubes. I know it's bad for me, but it makes everything so much brighter. I've often wondered if I'm an alcoholic. But other than the extra five pounds I carry from the booze, I don't think my drinking negatively affects my health. I don't think it hurts anyone around me. I think I may just be a devoted enthusiast. Still, French paradox aside, it can't be good for me to sit around and drink all day (I'm including the coffee and cokes, because fake sugar actually will kill me, says everyone I know who owns agave).

I love to write. As a career, it's not going that well for me. The healthier choice would be to give up and find a more practical profession. I would still be creating no matter what I was doing, so why not try it on the side?

Here, yeast gives us another interesting window. When exposed to oxygen, when not in a dark, contained space under pressure, yeast thrives. It multiplies. The anaerobic process is slow. The aerobic process is fast and flourishing. Rather than ferment, yeast consumes sugar and produces water, carbon dioxide and heat. No booze. No harmful byproduct that will one day be its doom. But nothing exciting either. Only in that bleak space where death is certain does the yeast create something magical: wine. And maybe the yeast knows it's bad for it to do so, but damnit, it wants to.

I hate when people say they just have to write. So do it. And I will, as a hobby, no matter what else is going on. The thing that I'm trying to say here is that it's important not only to accept the sacrifices that come along with any kind of creative or risky pursuit, but to embrace them. Know that it might not all wind up being worth it in the end. Be ok with the process. Decide to ferment, or decide a hobby is a beautiful thing to have. Either way, though, throw yourself into that decision and thrive.

Because, you see, you only live once.

Tattoo draft 1

Straight talk

Wine tasting can seem like just a lot of speculation, a lot of waxing poetic on your behalf and waning interest on behalf of your companions. And it doesn't help that wine labels are printed in what may as well be code in most cases. European wines especially are incredibly difficult to decipher. They never tell you the grape, they have all sorts of levels of regions, and they have the audacity to use languages other than English.

So you can imagine my delight when I took this French rose (Saint Roch Les Vignes 2012) out of the fridge and saw this forthright label on the back:

That is chill as fuck. And this wine was as chill and straightforward as its business on the back. Not all wine has to be complex, just like not all boyfriends need to be marriage material. Sometimes it's fun to drink a simple rose. It's like dating a guy in a band.

People often assume rose wines will be sweet because they're pink. And while White Zinfandel with lots of residual sugar is common, most rose wines are tart and dry and ultra-refreshing. All they are are red grapes made in the style of white wine. This means the juice is not fermented on the skins (which is how red wines get their rich color and higher tannins). Any red grapes can be used, and this, not sweetness, is what determines the color pink the wine turns out. Syrah will yield a brilliant magenta, while Pinot Noir a delicate ballet slipper pink. "Blanc de noirs" refers to white sparkling wine made from red grapes, but roses, and sparkling roses, will do a cold soak before separating off the skins from the juice to give extra aromatics and a splash of pink.

This wine was a charming salmon color. Not too complex, it smelled floral, like perfume or honeysuckle, with bursts of citrus, chiefly lime, wet stone and white peach. It's not especially complex or layered, but honestly, when it's 80 degrees at 8pm and you just want a cool glass of something tart and peppy, who has time to sit and analyze and pontificate and consider? 

I have more important things to do.

If only Francis could take a cue from this wine and live life honestly. And have a label that looks like a frowning sundial.

Wine + popcorn + thoughts on being special

"Reserva." It sounds classy, but is it? In the case of Herederos Del Marques De Riscal 2006 Rioja Reserva, it is indeed. Reserva traditionally means that the best grapes were held back for wine aged in oak barrels. It comes from a time when oak was expensive, and was only worth it for the best wine. Now, Reserva still means that in Spain, Italy and Washington state, but everywhere else is just trying to make themselves feel classy.

And I get that. After all, I was more willing to splurge on a bottle of Reserva (not to mention it has gold casing and gold is my favorite color). Other tricks are often employed to class it up. A fancy name, a confusing label, the word "chateau" (which could be an outhouse as long as wine is made there). The more intimidating a wine, the more we'll spend on it. And the less likely we'll be to come out and say so when we don't like it. This is the same reason why my being a cheap, friendly date gets me pretty much nowhere.

But this wine really does kick ass. This is earthy, almost filthy, sexy and tart and complex. It's cherry and cocoa mud wrestling raspberry and cola and leaves. And I served it up with a perfect, utterly classy pairing...

I get that that wasn't a big reveal because of the title. I just want you to know that I get that. Yeah, it's popcorn! Popcorn is great with wine. Whether it's the dirty, sexy aroma of this Rioja Reserva, a jammy Cote du Rhone or a crisp Sauvignon Blanc, popcorn is the cheese of the carb world: it makes wines taste awesome by bringing out their best.

Salt enhances flavors. And while that can include alcohol and the texture of the tannins, the oil and the crunch of the popcorn will negate that. In fact, the same chemical used to make butter flavor is the byproduct of malolactic fermentation, a chemical process often used in winemaking. So to amp up the flavor of your fancy wine, treat yourself special. Have it with popcorn.

WTF are...

Tannins. What are they? Where do they come from? Who's peach is this, can I have it? It's not labeled. But then, how do you label a peach? These are just some of the questions you might have.

Tannins are molecules that taste bitter and cause dryness in the mouth. But what seems like bad-tasting dork-science is actually a crucial part of wine, especially if it's meant to age. And what were once thought to be nutritionally neutral at best are now known to be good for our health. So bring on the dark chocolate, pair it with a nice red wine, and read on.

Tannins come into wine a couple different ways. First, grape skins have tannins. Since red wine is red because of skin contact, it generally has more tannins than white. The amount of tannins is influenced by the thickness of the skin and the time spent in contact with it. Cabernet Sauvignon and Syrah, for example, are thick skinned grapes, so they tend to yield tannic wines. Because the skins contain aromatics, sometimes winemakers will do a cold soak for whites. This means they allow the wine to spend some time in contact with the skins quickly, just to extract a little flavor. This will up the astringency (dry mouth factor, and how tannins are referred to in white wines). Winemakers will taste grapes for their "physiological ripeness" which is, in part, a judgement of their level of tannin (as opposed to their physical ripeness, which is just how ripe the fruit is).

Another place we get tannins is from wood. So an oak-aged Cabernet is going to be crazy tannic, and an oaked Chardonnay may have more tannins than an unoaked or lightly oaked Pinot Noir, a thin-skinned grape. Tannins help a wine age, so oak is often used for this purpose. This is also why red wines age best.

More bonuses? While tannins give headaches to some people, they improve vascular health in everyone. Antioxidants in red wine have also been shown to decrease the risk of cancer.

But sometimes tannins can be a bit much, their texture getting in the way of the wine's flavor. This is when we decant wines. If a wine is meant to be aged and we open it early, or just has too many tannins for our liking, we can speed up the aging process by pouring it out of the bottle and letting it relax for a spell. As the wine sits, the tannins link up and sink to the bottom of the vessel. Then they're not so strong. Most wines, however, do not need to be decanted, and contact with oxygen at room temperature will cause aromatics to release, making the wine blander than it ought to be. So don't decant unless the tannins are really getting on your nerves.

Fat softens tannins, which is why we serve red meats with tannic wines like Cabernet and Syrah. But tannins combined with fish oils will taste metallic, while tannins plus another bitter element like heirloom lettuces will create an overwhelmingly bitter sensation. If you like your big reds, make sure you give them a bold meal so they can be at their best.

What do you think, J, they ready?

WTF are...

Sulfites. The boogeyman of the wine world, in that a lot of annoying people claim to be allergic to the boogeyman, sulfites often get a bad rap. But what are they, really?

The warning on a label of wine that says it "contains sulfites" simply means it contains sulfer dioxide. And as gross and scary as that sounds, it's a naturally occurring chemical compound found in all wines to some extent, even organic ones. Additional sulfer dioxide is sometimes added as a preservative, and in these cases, there are certain rules about organic wine and how much sulfer dioxide it can contain.

The other place sulfites come into play is in the sanitization of wine and winemaking equipment. Wine is a food product, which means there are health and safety regulations. But soap or other cleaning materials can mess with the wine. Better to sanitize and preserve wine with sulfites, which are already naturally present.

This isn't to say additional sulfite use is undetectable. Overuse can create aromas of matchsticks, burning rubber or mothballs not otherwise found in the wine. A girl in my class was particularly sensitive to this (also the scent of pear. She smelled that shit in every. Single. Wine. Except for the ones that actually smelled like pear). Once Shelby Ledgerwood figured out she was smelling mothballs in wines with more sulfites used, we all stopped hating that girl so much.

It's always good to be wary of what goes into your wine. Pesticides are certainly an issue, and one the wine industry has yet to figure out. Organic wine is different from wine made with organic grapes. Kosher wines no come in a variety of delicious styles, not just Manischewitz. Figure out what's right for you and go for it. But don't be scared of sulfites.

Also don't pretend you're allergic to them. Shelby Ledgerwood says true sulfite allergies are incredibly rare. It's more likely your headache is coming from tannins. More on those soon...

"Back in sulfite-ette cit-ay!" ugh the worst

When gross equals great

Anyone who's ever had a hangover knows that what's great can turn into something gross. But when it comes to wine, what's gross can also turn into something great. That's because the process of making wine can be straight up disgusting.

(heh. this rock looked like a butt)

Let's set aside the fact that until very recently, all wines originally started out as grapes that people stepped on with their bare feet. Let's ignore the unfortunate truth that wine sits out in open vats and we call it "ageing" with an extra "e" that hopefully does not stand for "e. coli." Let's just move on from the whole issue of all the shit that's done to Chardonnay these days. There's still much to discuss.

Wine is primal and natural and timeless. It's delicate, with personality that changes over the years. It breathes. It's alive, and therefore, it's a little nasty. For everyone who talks about how brave the first guy was to eat an oyster, let's just stop for a second and think about the first guy to drink rotten, foot-grape liquid and contemplate its nose and finish. But thank goodness he did (normally I'd say he or she, but when have you ever seen anyone but a dude accept a challenge of "I'll give you a dollar if you drink that whole thing").

Occasionally, a fungus affects wine, causing it to smell mildew-y. This is known as "corked." But while corking is unfortunate, its rarer than the gross things we do to wine to actually make it taste better.

Take Botrytis Cinerea, for example. Yeah, that's not cute. But it's grapes affected with this business, known as "noble rot," that give us the finest Sauternes, a glorious dessert wine from France. In Germany, grapes are monitored for a specific kind of freezing. When this happens, usually at around 3 in the morning, the entire family is woken up to pick the partially frozen grapes to make what is known as "eiswein." Frozen grapes isn't disgusting; waking up at 3 to work in the fields is downright repulsive. But this style is so beloved that other countries try to mimic it by partially freezing their grapes.

Soil is soil which means it's dirt, so you can't really get too upset about it. Especially when you learn that the noted terroir of the Paris Basin, famous for its Kimmeridgean soil (also found at the Cliffs of Dover), is special because it contains THE FOSSILS OF SEA CREATURES FROM THE JURASSIC PERIOD AKA DINOSAUR BONES SORT OF. This includes Champagne, Alsace, and part of the Loire Valley. The good part. Have fun drinking dinosaur bones. No, really, have fun with that. I enjoy making some noises, maybe putting on a triceratops mask if I'm feeling frisky.

(but most days I'm just a snake)

And if you thought noble rot was the end of it sexy scum, you were wrong. "Flor" as it's known in Spain, is what separates "fino" sherry from the rest. That's right, a naturally forming, unplanned, mucky yellow yeast developing atop the ageing wine is what determines the good stuff. Wikipedia is shocked to note that some wine makers used to think these wines were sick, as if this were a bad thing! Yeah, cause when I see pus-colored film on my supposedly edible livelihood, I'm psyched.

Yeast has long been a part of the process, though. It's how wine gets its alcohol. Yeast plus sugar equals carbon dioxide plus alcohol. Once we've got our booze, one would hope we'd be done. Especially if the yeast is dead. But, and if you read last week's article on sparkling wines, you know this is not the case. "Lees ageing" is the process by which the wine sits on the dead yeast cells to give it a toasty, biscuity flavor.

Wine is a weird science. Maybe even the original molecular gastronomy. Jk that's probably fire. But when we drink a glass of wine, we're also drinking years of thoughtful experimentation, bold exploration, and brave taste. We're drinking history and culture and risk taking and commerce and maybe even a little residual yeast. Remember that next time you're complaining about wine costing more than 2 dollars a bottle.

But maybe try to forget it during your next hangover.