Wine + nothing: a true lush's guide to wine pairing

Wine is amazing and also terrifying. Wine combines a beautiful history with fascinating science with a treasure hunt of sensations (aromatics! Tannins! Mouth-feel!) with getting rosy-cheeked and uninhibited. The problem is that when you don’t know every detail about all of this stuff, you can feel like wine is like that exclusive foursquare game the cool girls in third grade started where they said they had a rule of “no lines” so only the four of them could play but then when one of them was sick and you asked if now you could join they said they didn’t feel like playing foursquare today and you wanted to die a petite and horrible third grade death. So you pretend you don’t care about foursquare or mouth-feel because you’re not in the club.

Nothing creates this feeling of inadequacy more than wine pairings. I’ve taken wine classes. I have a little confidence. But when it comes to pairing wine with food, I’m usually at a bit of a loss, because the rules are full on bullshit. Ideally, you’re supposed to open up a few bottles and taste each with the food. I’m sorry, but who has the cash for that? Who has the food all ready to go before wine pouring time? And who’s throwing a dinner party at our age where it’s not up to the guests to bring beverages? This “ideal” situation is fraught.

So here’s my solution: don’t pair wine with food. Pair wine with feelings.

Are you feeling anxious? Calm down with something rich and red to dive into, like Syrah or Cabernet or Don Draper making you jam. Sweaty? I don’t care if you’re serving beef, you need a crisp Sauvignon Blanc to cool down. Already pretty drunk? Low-alcohol, mega refreshing Lambrusco is the way to go.

Pairing wine with feelings is most important when you’re not serving it with anything at all. Here I think it’s fair to make some hard and fast rules that you should totally break depending on your mood, what you like to drink, and what you have on hand/know how to open.

Official wine pairing rule: Serve red wine with red meat.

Wine + feelings rule: Serve red wine with rain.

Rain inspires either grouchy or poetic feelings. Either way, with both hands on your glass and your nose deep in it, sink into the murkiest, earthiest red you can find (if you have only one bottle of wine in your home, this qualifies) and read “Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban” again because—controversial statement alert—it is the best one by far.

Official wine pairing rule: Serve white wine with fish or vegetables.

Wine + feelings rule: Serve white wine after sex.

Let me set the scene here. You were funny and cool at dinner. Your partner was right there with you. Dinner progressed to your place which progressed to yesssssss. Now you’re thinking the water/cuddle/dream sharing aspect could be extended by sharing a glass or a bottle. You gulp your wine, thirsty from your coital adventures, feasting on the other person’s descriptions of when they knew they liked you. You throw back your head and let out a throaty, ultra-charming laugh and in the light from the bedside lamp, your hair is tousled and your neck is swan-like and your ears are a delicate arabesque and your teeth… are bright f-ing red. If you’re drinking fast and not eating and up close and personal, stick to white.

Official wine pairing rule: Don’t serve wine that’s been open for more than a day.

Wine + feelings rule: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA what am I a sultan? A sultan made of wine? Yeah no I’m def drinking this.

Official wine pairing rule: Make sure the acidity of the wine is higher than the acidity of the food.

Wine + feelings rule: Don’t drink wine before dropping acid. Let the acid kick in first, then decide how you feel.

Official wine pairing rule: High tannin wine like Cabernet needs to be cut with something fatty like steak, and will taste bitter if served with salad or other greens.

Wine + feelings rule: Don’t feel guilty about enjoying a glass of wine, or ordering the cheapest bottle on the menu, or not knowing the history of barrel making. It will make your experience bitter and fruitless. Enjoy yourself. A little treat and the pleasure it gives you is lovelier than all the fad diets and wine books in the world. Also, if you drink wine and eat salad, you are a straight up French person and I would like to be your friend.

But really, the only rule that matters when tasting and pairing and drinking and learning about wine is to have fun. Actually, additional rule, have enough cheap stemware that you can be super gracious if someone breaks a glass. Because there’s nothing that doesn’t go with being a lovely hostess.

(still super into this graphic which i made with my own treasured hands)

Wine + astrology

If there's one field more doubted than wine tasting, it's astrology. I spout off about aromas of wet stone and petrol and quince and even I don't really buy into it. To be fair, part of the reason I don't believe in astrology is because I decided to get into it at one point, got an online reading of my astrology and numerology, and was told my life is going to continue to be a disappointment until its early end. You know how psychics only ever give you good news? Internet astrologers don't have the same tact.

But on its most simple and fun level, astrology is all about character. And so is wine. Wines age. Wines have layers. As far as beverages go, they're pretty human. And so, knowing pretty much nothing about astrology but at least as much as the astrologist at Seventeen magazine, I thought I'd give recommend wines by star sign. Because that's the other thing drinking wine has in common with reading your horoscope: why not?

Aries

Characteristics: competitive, impulsive, independent, dynamic, quick-tempered, domineering, trusting, honest
Symbol: Ram
Element: Fire
Wine: A strong and spicy wine that steals the show with its bold, straightforward flavors. Try this 2009 Amitage Red Blend with steak and potatoes and saying it to their face. Maybe a little punching, too.

Taurus

Characteristics: patient, dependable, practical, determined, artistic, loyal, stubborn, self-indulgent
Symbol: Bull
Element: Earth
Wine: There's more to you than meets the eye, like the fact that you love the finer things in life even though you're down-to-earth. Pair yourself with something equally indulgent, complex, and stubbornly delicious like the Herederos Del Marques De Riscal 2006 Rioja Reserva. And the popcorn I paired it with isn't a bad idea for you either--air signs can lighten up earth signs, just like popcorn can help the flavors in this wine sing.

Gemini

Characteristics: curious, versatile, expressive, persuasive, changeable, clever, restless, talkative
Symbol: Twins
Element: Earth
Wine: I'm a Gemini. It's the easiest star sign to bullshit, because people just say, "oh, well there's two of you." So basically any personality trait goes. I say this is a wine wildcard. But since I'm bubbly, talkative, and will leave you with plenty of regrets in the morning, I'd say pick up some cheap champagne and pair it with this Miranda Lambert jam that just fucking gets it. I also like candies.

Cancer

Characteristics: tenacious, emotional, intuitive, sensitive, sympathetic, traditional, moody, manipulative
Symbol: Crab
Element: Water
Wine: Traditionally, white wine pairs well with shellfish, and this wine in particular brought on the waterworks when I drank (the whole bottle of) it. Get emotional with this hot little number, the 2010 Cut the Fluff.

Leo

Characteristics: dramatic, dignified, idealistic, ambitious, proud, generous, romantic, overbearing
Symbol: Lion
Element: Fire
Wine: To pair with that proud and dramatic personality, check out this properly bold 2011 Darkhorse Cabernet Sauvignon. Like the ideal Cabernet, it'll go well with your best home-cooked meal and some Passionate Feelings.

Virgo

Characteristics: Gentle, industrious, dependable, methodical, soft-spoken, humane, sincere, easily worried
Symbol: Virgin
Element: Earth
Wine: I was a virgin not so long ago. But I popped by Gewurztraminer cherry with this delicious one from Cupcake. Sweet and straightforward and downright delicious, this one could get even you talking. Pair it with Indian like I did, or a tart and earthy pear and goat cheese sandwich on hearty whole grain with a drop of honey and some afternoon friendship.

Libra

Characteristics: Cooperative, careful, artistic, persuasive, diplomatic, logical, indecisive, fickle
Symbol: Scales
Element: Air
Wine: If there's one person open-minded enough to judge Chardonnay, it's you. I've never reviewed one, but this Le Ferme Julien 2011 white blend with a hint of oak is a good place to start. And the fact that I paired it with The Voice, an exercise in excellent judgement (sometimes. Except when they eliminate people I like. They they are MONSTERS), is even more perfect!

Scorpio

Characteristics: Passionate, penetrating, private, resourceful, loyal, determined, temperamental, intolerant
Symbol: Scorpion
Element: Water
Wine: Hey, weirdo. I mean that in a good way. I find Scorpios to be weird of it and proud and super into astrology. They're kind of like Gemini, in that any personality trait goes. But here, instead of duplicity, the connotation is depth. This layered, passionate 2011 Boom Boom Syrah is delightfully confusing as well. Pair it with a stew as complex as your personality.

Sagittarius

Characteristics: Generous, honest, daring, friendly, confident, enthusiastic, argumentative, blunt
Symbol: Archer
Element: Fire
Wine: Well aren't you just sass and a half! Definitely cheerleader wine (2011 Callaway Sauvignon Blanc) for you. Take this wine to the beach, you little bitch, share it with your hot friends (because of course you have hot friends) and then crush it at drunk windsurfing.

Capricorn

Characteristics: Cautious, focused, responsible, serious, conventional, reliable, hardworking, unforgiving
Symbol: Goat
Element: Earth
Wine: Goats will eat anything. And someone this hardworking deserves to drink anything. Might I suggest this charming Merlot? It's nothing if not reliable...

Aquarius

Characteristics: Independent, tolerant, unpredictable, strong-willed, curious, perceptive, progressive, temperamental
Symbol: Water bearer
Element: Air
Wine: I bet you throw one hell of a party. I mean, that's what a modern-day water-bearer would do, right? So keep it as light and refreshing as your conversation with Reggiano Lambrusco Le Grotte, a super crowd-pleaser, and these blood mimosas you can make from it, which are unexpected and unparalleled.

Pisces

Characteristics: sensitive, compassionate, imaginative, adaptable, intuitive, idealistic, secretive, vulnerable
Symbol: Fish
Element: Water
Wine: The rich and bold Cocobon might seem a little fish-out-of-water (see what I did there?) for the quiet Pisces, but a bigger sweetheart of a wine there is not. Luscious and sensitive and full of secrets (the secrets are all that crazy mocha flavor), serve it with a box of chocolates and an evening of introspection.

But really, just taste all these wines. I mean, why not? They'll get you drunker than your horoscope.

Star sign info courtesy of infoplease.

Wine crush

You probably think this post is about how grapes are crushed. You're wrong. I won't learn that until Vintage I with Shelby Ledgerwood, Wednesday nights starting in April.

This is about having a crush on a wine.

A wine crush is a special thing, tender and beautiful like a regular crush but better because it gets you drunk and you never have to think about text message etiquette. It's when you find a wine that you can't stop drinking and when you finally do, you can't stop dreaming about it.

I'm drinking one of mine right now.

(the background is a dress I bought for 1 dollar)

I first had the Charles Smith 2011 Boom Boom Syrah with my mom and brother. After a discussion with the waiter about how Mom and Sky don't normally like Malbec, he brought us a taste and they liked it enough for me to get a glass. The understanding that we were sharing the three different glasses of wine we ordered was undermined by the fact that I was really the only Malbec drinker. I got this. I have manners. My Mom and brother pay for everything when we go out because I am a poor, starving artist. They make a huge deal when I so much as spring for parking, as if I'm the most generous person on earth. I was obviously going to drink the Malbec.

But you know when you're obviously going to go out again with that really nice girl you met on JDate because she seems not full-on crazy and hot in a stable way, where she won't look totally different in the morning, and why not, she's nice and went to Brown and maybe her weird sense of humor will get less annoying over time, and then you meet a lady at a party and she's hammered and steals your hat but not in a cute way, she has no intention of ever giving it back, and she is T-R-O-U-B-L-E for SURE but you have to see her again, you just can't get enough of her, and old JDate just goes out the window?

Well, that's what happened to me when Sky ordered this wine.

(I rest wine atop health insurance rejection letters because I am the king of my own destiny)

I have never written down the info of a wine at a restaurant with the plan to buy it in the future. But then, I'd never felt this way about a wine before. I swiped Sky's glass again and again, not wanting to admit the hold it had on me and swapping our goblets for good. I was hooked. It stole all of my hats and I loved it.

And now, drinking it again, it's all coming back. After the first sip, I start to smile, giddy that it's as good as I remembered, happy that, on sale (!) at BevMo for 13.99 a bottle, it seemed to like me, too. At least enough to be priced reasonably.

To me, this wine is everything. Smokey with plenty of pepper like a good Syrah should be, it's also got layers of fruit and earth in there. Full, but lighter than most Syrahs, I swear, every time I give it a sniff, there's something new. A whiff of it still yields green bell pepper, blackberry, oak. Give it a swirl and there's black cherry, vanilla, smoke. It's got formidable tannins but a juicy quality. Its celebrity twin would be Beyonce: rich and complex and luscious, with so many acts in its career they just blend together elegantly, mysteriously, making you come back to see what its next talent will be. Ooh, just got some raspberry there.

And like a good crush, we don't even have to go all the way. Just sniffing for hours is a thrill, maybe tiny sips now and then. "You're bad," I giggle, as I take the slightest wisp into my mouth.

But it wouldn't be a crush if everybody felt the same. To me--ooh, did I just get leather? I think so--this wine is a straight up treasure. But to others, it's just a red. I looked this wine up to send a link to my dad, and the reviews on the first website I clicked may as well have been written by Negative Nancy and her lesser known friends Bleak Brenda and We Must Have Different Palates and Yours Sucks Janine. But that's fine--that was plum. Definitely plum--if everyone liked my crush as much as I did, I wouldn't stand a chance.

As for pairings, I'd say an open heart. Oh, and I just had it with a Reeses Peanut Butter egg and it was God damn delicious.