Adventures in wine tasting and how it turns out I'm totally predictable

As I mentioned last week, I signed up for this HuffPo-certified wine club. The first thing they do in this club is send you mini bottles of wine. You taste those, and your reactions to them creates a taste profile that helps Lot18 send you wines you'll like. This weekend I got my tasting kit and learned a very important lesson:

Wine tasting is exactly like dating.

As a 27-and-a-half-year-old woman of the modern era with breasts and minimal shyness, I've had the opportunity to date a lot. I'm not one of these people who likes going on dates. I admire those people. I really do. I wish I could be like them. But for me, dates are all about anxiety. Will he like me? Will I like him? Will he like me but I don't like him and then I'll blow him off totally gracelessly and rack up even more bad romantic karma? Will I be honest, like everyone tells you to be, only to be known as a bitch forevermore (the guaranteed consequence of honesty, by the way. I've determined there are only two ways to tell someone you're not interested that will spare their feelings and yours: say you've decided to be exclusive with someone else, or just ignore them entirely and let them assume you died. Lying and disappearing may seem immature, because they are, but they're also the easiest and kindest way to go about things. No one wants to hear the truth. Anyone who says they do is lying. People want to hear they're great and that is all).

What got me thinking about all this, besides the fact that I'm a human being, was my tasting kit. Lot18 gives you six wines, two whites and four reds, along with basic tasting instructions (that are woefully incomplete), and a piece of paper to put your glasses on which makes it seem like they had some extra glossy card stock lying around because why. I was so excited to get deep into my nuanced reactions to each wine so as to create a specific profile for my taste buds and then receive wine each month catered to my very whims.

So you can imagine my disappointment when the only questions about the two white wines were: which did you like better? How much more, a lot or a little? And that was it. How are you supposed to tell anything about my tastes just from that??

Another disappointment was the wines themselves: Ten Sisters 2011 Sauvignon Blanc from New Zealand and Finial 2011 Chardonnay from Sonoma. I get what they did here: gave me the two main families of white wine, buttery and tart. And while each wine did a fine job representing its typicity (meaning what wines of that grape and region tend to taste like), neither was particularly exciting. The Sauvignon Blanc had a mineral quality and tartness, but without the burst of grapefruit and green apple I expect, especially from Marlborough. The Chardonnay was pure buttered popcorn and baked red apple, which might be nice for a Chardonnay but just isn't for me. I didn't really like either wine, but didn't want to get sent a bunch of Chardonnay, so I said I liked the Sauvignon Blanc much better. Sort of like when a friend sets you up with an actress and a doctor, and you don't like either, but since everyone in LA loves to hate on actresses, you say prefer the doctor for future reference. But you sleep with the actress because, I mean, of course. Like I wasn't going to not drink the Chardonnay. There was perfectly good alcohol in there. End of the whites.

I moved on to the reds expecting more bland typicity and unrevealing questions. Voila 2009 Pinot Noir from California was next, and it had the basic earth and fruit balance of a California Pinot, some berries, fruitier than its European counterparts but still a bit savory. It was fine. And just as I started to worry that maybe it was me, maybe I was too picky, maybe I'd never find a wine I could truly love because I didn't love myself, I took a whiff of the Nebbiolo. And, as it turns out...

Everyone has a type.

Ordine di San Giuseppe 2011 Nebbiolo d'Alba is a star. Licorice and dirt and blackberry and leather and pepper and WOW. And I hadn't even tasted it. On the palate this wine was super tannic but still velvety and weird and wonderful. Now, here's the thing. I've tasted Nebbiolo maybe twice in my life. So even if this is typical, it's new to me. Here's the other thing: I don't care. This is exactly the kind of wine I like. Which made me realize that this, too, could be a basic, typical wine. But when you find your type, to you, it's new and electrifying, even if it's just like all the other wines you've tried or people you've dated because there's a reason you keep going back. It's chemical.

I go back and forth with online dating. I was off for about four months but I recently reactivated my profile. When you do this, all your old messages pop back up. Some of the users have since left the site, but if they're still on it, but some are still around, looking for love. I logged in and found most of the messages were from users who were no longer active. But there was one chain with a guy I'd been messaging back and forth with quite a bit, who I seem to have been pretty into. Too bad I left the site. It seems like we could have dated. But I'm not too worried about what might have been, because, you see, we did.

About a month after I left the world of internet love, I met this guy in real life. We dated for six weeks or so, and then just stopped calling each other. While we were perfect on paper, I think we both realized the spark wasn't there. That's how I felt, anyway. I have no idea why he just disappeared, the bastard. And I know he didn't just die because I ran into him since then. He was on a date. She looked a lot like me.

In our messages, this guy talks about his new favorite place in LA. We went there on our second date. We discuss our favorite books. We did it again in real life. I had no clue when we met or throughout the relationship that we'd had this correspondence. If he did, he didn't let on. Remember, my profile disappeared when I deactivated my account, so he wouldn't have had the pictures for reference anymore. But this wasn't fate. This was too banal for fate. This was just the inevitability of two people who were each others' types. When you find someone or something whose qualities you're predetermined to like, you're gonna like them, no matter how typical.

There were a couple other wines, Letterpress Red Blend (I think, this wine needs a far less confusing label) and Fortuna 2010 Cabernet Sauvignon from Paso Robles. They were solid but nothing compared to the novel Nebbiolo. More typicity at work. I answered the shockingly few questions dutifully and received my profile.

The whites profile was dumb. I mean, I compared two wines I didn't like without ever being allowed to point out that I liked neither. So I clicked to the reds, and was embarrassed to find...

They nailed it.

I mean they just got me. I'm just as typical and predictable as these wines! In only a few questions, I managed to be pegged for my exact tastes. I love Tempranillos. Earthy wines are my fav. I was just as fated to love the wine that was perfect on paper for me as I was inevitably going to date that guy.

I ended up canceling my membership when I saw the wines they planned to send me. Until they expand their inventory, it seems they'll be sending more of a sampler than wines tailored to the members' tastes as promised. I know what I like. But I also know that the most important thing is to be surprised. That element was lacking in my autumn courtship and exploded from my glass of Nebbiolo. Surprise doesn't mean dating or drinking against type. It just means that even if something is perfect on paper, it needs an x factor to put it over the edge. The scent of licorice. The subtle kiss of leather. Or really good sex.

Wine + nothing: a true lush's guide to wine pairing

Wine is amazing and also terrifying. Wine combines a beautiful history with fascinating science with a treasure hunt of sensations (aromatics! Tannins! Mouth-feel!) with getting rosy-cheeked and uninhibited. The problem is that when you don’t know every detail about all of this stuff, you can feel like wine is like that exclusive foursquare game the cool girls in third grade started where they said they had a rule of “no lines” so only the four of them could play but then when one of them was sick and you asked if now you could join they said they didn’t feel like playing foursquare today and you wanted to die a petite and horrible third grade death. So you pretend you don’t care about foursquare or mouth-feel because you’re not in the club.

Nothing creates this feeling of inadequacy more than wine pairings. I’ve taken wine classes. I have a little confidence. But when it comes to pairing wine with food, I’m usually at a bit of a loss, because the rules are full on bullshit. Ideally, you’re supposed to open up a few bottles and taste each with the food. I’m sorry, but who has the cash for that? Who has the food all ready to go before wine pouring time? And who’s throwing a dinner party at our age where it’s not up to the guests to bring beverages? This “ideal” situation is fraught.

So here’s my solution: don’t pair wine with food. Pair wine with feelings.

Are you feeling anxious? Calm down with something rich and red to dive into, like Syrah or Cabernet or Don Draper making you jam. Sweaty? I don’t care if you’re serving beef, you need a crisp Sauvignon Blanc to cool down. Already pretty drunk? Low-alcohol, mega refreshing Lambrusco is the way to go.

Pairing wine with feelings is most important when you’re not serving it with anything at all. Here I think it’s fair to make some hard and fast rules that you should totally break depending on your mood, what you like to drink, and what you have on hand/know how to open.

Official wine pairing rule: Serve red wine with red meat.

Wine + feelings rule: Serve red wine with rain.

Rain inspires either grouchy or poetic feelings. Either way, with both hands on your glass and your nose deep in it, sink into the murkiest, earthiest red you can find (if you have only one bottle of wine in your home, this qualifies) and read “Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban” again because—controversial statement alert—it is the best one by far.

Official wine pairing rule: Serve white wine with fish or vegetables.

Wine + feelings rule: Serve white wine after sex.

Let me set the scene here. You were funny and cool at dinner. Your partner was right there with you. Dinner progressed to your place which progressed to yesssssss. Now you’re thinking the water/cuddle/dream sharing aspect could be extended by sharing a glass or a bottle. You gulp your wine, thirsty from your coital adventures, feasting on the other person’s descriptions of when they knew they liked you. You throw back your head and let out a throaty, ultra-charming laugh and in the light from the bedside lamp, your hair is tousled and your neck is swan-like and your ears are a delicate arabesque and your teeth… are bright f-ing red. If you’re drinking fast and not eating and up close and personal, stick to white.

Official wine pairing rule: Don’t serve wine that’s been open for more than a day.

Wine + feelings rule: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA what am I a sultan? A sultan made of wine? Yeah no I’m def drinking this.

Official wine pairing rule: Make sure the acidity of the wine is higher than the acidity of the food.

Wine + feelings rule: Don’t drink wine before dropping acid. Let the acid kick in first, then decide how you feel.

Official wine pairing rule: High tannin wine like Cabernet needs to be cut with something fatty like steak, and will taste bitter if served with salad or other greens.

Wine + feelings rule: Don’t feel guilty about enjoying a glass of wine, or ordering the cheapest bottle on the menu, or not knowing the history of barrel making. It will make your experience bitter and fruitless. Enjoy yourself. A little treat and the pleasure it gives you is lovelier than all the fad diets and wine books in the world. Also, if you drink wine and eat salad, you are a straight up French person and I would like to be your friend.

But really, the only rule that matters when tasting and pairing and drinking and learning about wine is to have fun. Actually, additional rule, have enough cheap stemware that you can be super gracious if someone breaks a glass. Because there’s nothing that doesn’t go with being a lovely hostess.

(still super into this graphic which i made with my own treasured hands)

The best sangria that can be

White sangria is the dreamiest of summer drinks. Try this one at a movie picnic like we did and let all your dreams come true!

Step 1 of this sangria is to get a portable jug from Target and then never trust that it is closed. Seriously, this thing will pee from all sides all over your life. But it's really useful if you stay hyper vigilant.

White sangria kills it when you use bright, tart, fruits like green apple and especially peaches, nectarines and apricots, which will impart their juices on the wine. You'll be drunkenly reaching into the top to snack on the fruit even before the wine is finished! Even before it's started!

Ok, so you take your jug and pour in your booze. First off, Triple Sec is crucial for white sangria. 1/3 cup for every bottle of wine is good. So 2/3 of a cup to go with my two bottles of bright, grapefruit-y Sauvignon Blanc...

But no Triple Sec is needed to balance the 3 glasses (1 cube) worth of this sweetie sweet, fab floral little Moscato from Target...

Then chop up your fruit in pretty little slices, drop it on in, and let it soak overnight!

To recap:

Plenty of tart fruits (green apple, nectarine, apricot was used here. Also try cherries, raspberries, peaches and even a little candied ginger)

1/3 cup of Triple Sec for every 750ml bottle of dry white wine (Sauvignon Blanc and Pinot Grigio are best here, but a dry Riesling or fruity Gewurztraminer would be a darling experiment)

Sweet wine (such as this Moscato from Target) to taste (optional)

Soak overnight

Final step: have a beautiful friend hold up the jug for the world to see!

Wine + IT'S F-ING HOT IN MY APARTMENT

You know how it's so annoying when people who live in great climates complain about the weather? Me too but I don't care cause it's fucking HOT these days and I do not like it! Also the thing is I'm allowed to complain because I am going to tell you about a really stunning wine to cool off with, generally and specifically.

That is, unsurprisingly, Sancerre. Now, Sauvignon Blanc is, as I'm sure you all remember because you do nothing but read this blog, generally a tart and tasty wine with an acerbic personality. If you don't remember, just click here for a refresher on this refresher. I'm pretty sure everyone but Brittany Flores should have just clicked there. Brittany, your loyalty is a treasure; your encouragement my sun.

Vis-a-vis treasure, ditto Sancerre. Sancerre is Sauvignon Blanc specific to the Sancerre region of France. While New Zealand Sauvignon Blancs (such as the delicious Kono, available at TJ's for like 8 bucks) are quite aromatic, Sancerres tend to be a little more reserved but with a cool, subtle flavor that will cool you down quick. I mean, it's French cheerleader wine. What is colder and bitchier than that? I paired the Sancerre I had on hand with my air conditioner:

The 2011 Laurent Reverdy is a little pricier than most of the wines I get, but the wine lady at Trader Joe's swore it was worth it. With the AC on and my best friend on her way over for dinner, it felt like the right time to find out.

This wine has everything you want from a Sauvignon Blanc, especially on a hot day, plus more. It's subtle and tart. It's bright and light and goes with all my sundresses. It's got green apple, pink grapefruit, wet stone and under-ripe pear on the nose, with a slightly savory note and gentle creaminess on the palate, almost like a hint of goat cheese. What's great also is that this is a really nicely balanced wine, so even as it warms up the alcohol doesn't assault the senses. Light petillance (Brittany knows what I'm talking about) intensifies the aroma. Pairs well, I hope, with scallops, asparagus and lemon pepper quinoa. The acid should help it stand up well to the strawberries we've got for dessert, and although the meringues I baked yesterday (off this recipe from my former food blog) are undoubtedly too sweet to pair with it, the Frenchness feels oh-so-proper. Cheers to Saturday night!

Can you tell I really wanted to get in a shot of my fingernails WHICH I DID MYSELF ok sorry goodnight.

FIN.

Wine + astrology

If there's one field more doubted than wine tasting, it's astrology. I spout off about aromas of wet stone and petrol and quince and even I don't really buy into it. To be fair, part of the reason I don't believe in astrology is because I decided to get into it at one point, got an online reading of my astrology and numerology, and was told my life is going to continue to be a disappointment until its early end. You know how psychics only ever give you good news? Internet astrologers don't have the same tact.

But on its most simple and fun level, astrology is all about character. And so is wine. Wines age. Wines have layers. As far as beverages go, they're pretty human. And so, knowing pretty much nothing about astrology but at least as much as the astrologist at Seventeen magazine, I thought I'd give recommend wines by star sign. Because that's the other thing drinking wine has in common with reading your horoscope: why not?

Aries

Characteristics: competitive, impulsive, independent, dynamic, quick-tempered, domineering, trusting, honest
Symbol: Ram
Element: Fire
Wine: A strong and spicy wine that steals the show with its bold, straightforward flavors. Try this 2009 Amitage Red Blend with steak and potatoes and saying it to their face. Maybe a little punching, too.

Taurus

Characteristics: patient, dependable, practical, determined, artistic, loyal, stubborn, self-indulgent
Symbol: Bull
Element: Earth
Wine: There's more to you than meets the eye, like the fact that you love the finer things in life even though you're down-to-earth. Pair yourself with something equally indulgent, complex, and stubbornly delicious like the Herederos Del Marques De Riscal 2006 Rioja Reserva. And the popcorn I paired it with isn't a bad idea for you either--air signs can lighten up earth signs, just like popcorn can help the flavors in this wine sing.

Gemini

Characteristics: curious, versatile, expressive, persuasive, changeable, clever, restless, talkative
Symbol: Twins
Element: Earth
Wine: I'm a Gemini. It's the easiest star sign to bullshit, because people just say, "oh, well there's two of you." So basically any personality trait goes. I say this is a wine wildcard. But since I'm bubbly, talkative, and will leave you with plenty of regrets in the morning, I'd say pick up some cheap champagne and pair it with this Miranda Lambert jam that just fucking gets it. I also like candies.

Cancer

Characteristics: tenacious, emotional, intuitive, sensitive, sympathetic, traditional, moody, manipulative
Symbol: Crab
Element: Water
Wine: Traditionally, white wine pairs well with shellfish, and this wine in particular brought on the waterworks when I drank (the whole bottle of) it. Get emotional with this hot little number, the 2010 Cut the Fluff.

Leo

Characteristics: dramatic, dignified, idealistic, ambitious, proud, generous, romantic, overbearing
Symbol: Lion
Element: Fire
Wine: To pair with that proud and dramatic personality, check out this properly bold 2011 Darkhorse Cabernet Sauvignon. Like the ideal Cabernet, it'll go well with your best home-cooked meal and some Passionate Feelings.

Virgo

Characteristics: Gentle, industrious, dependable, methodical, soft-spoken, humane, sincere, easily worried
Symbol: Virgin
Element: Earth
Wine: I was a virgin not so long ago. But I popped by Gewurztraminer cherry with this delicious one from Cupcake. Sweet and straightforward and downright delicious, this one could get even you talking. Pair it with Indian like I did, or a tart and earthy pear and goat cheese sandwich on hearty whole grain with a drop of honey and some afternoon friendship.

Libra

Characteristics: Cooperative, careful, artistic, persuasive, diplomatic, logical, indecisive, fickle
Symbol: Scales
Element: Air
Wine: If there's one person open-minded enough to judge Chardonnay, it's you. I've never reviewed one, but this Le Ferme Julien 2011 white blend with a hint of oak is a good place to start. And the fact that I paired it with The Voice, an exercise in excellent judgement (sometimes. Except when they eliminate people I like. They they are MONSTERS), is even more perfect!

Scorpio

Characteristics: Passionate, penetrating, private, resourceful, loyal, determined, temperamental, intolerant
Symbol: Scorpion
Element: Water
Wine: Hey, weirdo. I mean that in a good way. I find Scorpios to be weird of it and proud and super into astrology. They're kind of like Gemini, in that any personality trait goes. But here, instead of duplicity, the connotation is depth. This layered, passionate 2011 Boom Boom Syrah is delightfully confusing as well. Pair it with a stew as complex as your personality.

Sagittarius

Characteristics: Generous, honest, daring, friendly, confident, enthusiastic, argumentative, blunt
Symbol: Archer
Element: Fire
Wine: Well aren't you just sass and a half! Definitely cheerleader wine (2011 Callaway Sauvignon Blanc) for you. Take this wine to the beach, you little bitch, share it with your hot friends (because of course you have hot friends) and then crush it at drunk windsurfing.

Capricorn

Characteristics: Cautious, focused, responsible, serious, conventional, reliable, hardworking, unforgiving
Symbol: Goat
Element: Earth
Wine: Goats will eat anything. And someone this hardworking deserves to drink anything. Might I suggest this charming Merlot? It's nothing if not reliable...

Aquarius

Characteristics: Independent, tolerant, unpredictable, strong-willed, curious, perceptive, progressive, temperamental
Symbol: Water bearer
Element: Air
Wine: I bet you throw one hell of a party. I mean, that's what a modern-day water-bearer would do, right? So keep it as light and refreshing as your conversation with Reggiano Lambrusco Le Grotte, a super crowd-pleaser, and these blood mimosas you can make from it, which are unexpected and unparalleled.

Pisces

Characteristics: sensitive, compassionate, imaginative, adaptable, intuitive, idealistic, secretive, vulnerable
Symbol: Fish
Element: Water
Wine: The rich and bold Cocobon might seem a little fish-out-of-water (see what I did there?) for the quiet Pisces, but a bigger sweetheart of a wine there is not. Luscious and sensitive and full of secrets (the secrets are all that crazy mocha flavor), serve it with a box of chocolates and an evening of introspection.

But really, just taste all these wines. I mean, why not? They'll get you drunker than your horoscope.

Star sign info courtesy of infoplease.

Sauvignon Blanc and BITCHES!!!

 

If the stereotypical high school cheerleader were a wine, she would be Sauvignon Blanc. Peppy, cheery, and sharp on the palate, Sauvignon Blanc is the acerbic queen bee you always wish you had to hate. Of course, real cheerleaders aren't actually that cool anymore because girls play sports now, but in our minds, cheerleaders are stone cold hotties with great lotion. Sauvignon Blanc, which tends to have core notes of wet stone and pink grapefruit coupled with high acidity and little sweetness, is just that. And most importantly, it doesn't apologize for it.

Callaway 2011 Sauvignon Blanc is no exception. From nearby Temecula and available widely, this wine is everything a sexy little Sauvignon Blanc should be. Those core notes are there, plus some tropical fruit on the palate. I'll confess, because I aspire to be an unapologetic bitch, that I made a truly remarkable white wine spritzer with it that was way better than anything you drank last week, even if it sounds like something your grandmother would order. This wine kicked ass with pesto pasta dotted with anchovies (yeah, I like those too, what of it, 1990s pizza jokes?)

This is a wine to drink with your girls while watching "Clueless" or lounging by the pool. This is a wine to drink while practicing your Mavis Gary sneer. This is a wine that knows what it is and likes itself. Even if it thinks everyone else is kind of lame and isn't afraid to say so. And that makes it damn delicious. Because after all, isn't that refreshing?