Wine + sadness

Wine gets a bad rap sometimes for being the drink of sadness. I mean, even Donna thinks it is:

While champagne is the drink of toasts, un-sparkling wine is often seen in the media tucked into the hands of sad people. And not just any sad people. Wine is the beverage of choice for shitty sad people whose problems are trivial. Your husband leaves you, you hit the tequila bottle. You're a single girl whose best friend is getting married, oh look, there's some wine.

I'd be a hypocrite if I said I never got sad on account of some wine. After all, isn't sadness a feeling? But I do wonder about how somewhere along the line we went from Bacchus to bereavement (ahem, Nobel lit committee, that was some fine alliteration). I imagine the way it happened was something like this:

INT. 1930s OFFICE FULL OF IMPORTANT MEN WITH IMPORTANT SUITS - DAY

The men are important. They have coffees and papers and things. The most important one smokes a cigar and is named JOHN.

JOHN

See here, gents, we've got to figure out a way to 

show sadness in the talkies without sacrificing 

profits from our shares in Big Alcohol.

MAN 1

What if all the sad people in movies are immigrants!

MAN 2

Make the only people who get sad be nuns!

MAN 3

No sadness!!!

JOHN

No, no, no! These are all terrible ideas. 

Can't anyone come up with something good?

A young go-getter by the name of OLIVER, all the way at the end of the table is like, ummm. Slowly, everyone turns. They're like, how did you get in here?

JOHN

How did you get in here, chimney sweep?

OLIVER

Please sir. I have an idea.

Hubbub. How could this guy have an idea?

JOHN

Alright, speak it out.

OLIVER

Well, we all hate Europe, right? And 

the US will never make any good wine. 

What say we make wine the drink of 

sadness?

Silence. Everyone turns to John.

JOHN

Great scot, he's done it!

Hurray!

FIN.

And that man grew up to be... Barack Obama.

I've been thinking a lot about when the media tells us to be sad, especially with many of my friends getting engaged and finding their careers start to take off. Women especially are depicted in television and film as jealous wrecks when their friends or siblings hit milestones before them. So many of us (I'm so guilty) have built solid Twitter timelines off of tired jokes about how pathetic we are compared to others. I find that the more I self-deprecate on Twitter, the more stars I get. And while that seems like a small thing, since I began tweeting regularly, I have become a less confident person. The positive reinforcement to my negativity can't be helping.

But back to sadness. Back to wine! I know I'm supposed to feel behind when a friend finds success, but that doesn't really have a negative impact on me. What I mean isn't that I don't feel an occasional twinge of jealousy, but rather that I feel behind in life pretty much all the time. I don't need a reminder! A friend finding happiness doesn't change the fact that I haven't. If anything, it's probably a good thing, as happy people feel very obligated to listen to their pals whine. Plus, when two people get engaged and at least one is your friend, they're not taking anyone off the market. If you aren't a total shit head, that dude was already off the market for you. I never expected to marry any of my friends' fiancees. Nor was I gunning for a promotion at a law firm. When a fellow comedy writer gets good news, at some point or another I might feel a little antsier than usual, but I find it encouraging when talented, hardworking people succeed, so I'll come down from my jealous tizzy pretty quickly. I find it delightful when people I love find love.

So next time you give me your good news and I pour a glass of wine, don't feel bad. Know that I'm a borderline alcoholic all the time, not just when good things are happening for you.

Poor Anne Wells. Probably off to pour herself a big glass of Gewurztraminer.

Wine + astrology

If there's one field more doubted than wine tasting, it's astrology. I spout off about aromas of wet stone and petrol and quince and even I don't really buy into it. To be fair, part of the reason I don't believe in astrology is because I decided to get into it at one point, got an online reading of my astrology and numerology, and was told my life is going to continue to be a disappointment until its early end. You know how psychics only ever give you good news? Internet astrologers don't have the same tact.

But on its most simple and fun level, astrology is all about character. And so is wine. Wines age. Wines have layers. As far as beverages go, they're pretty human. And so, knowing pretty much nothing about astrology but at least as much as the astrologist at Seventeen magazine, I thought I'd give recommend wines by star sign. Because that's the other thing drinking wine has in common with reading your horoscope: why not?

Aries

Characteristics: competitive, impulsive, independent, dynamic, quick-tempered, domineering, trusting, honest
Symbol: Ram
Element: Fire
Wine: A strong and spicy wine that steals the show with its bold, straightforward flavors. Try this 2009 Amitage Red Blend with steak and potatoes and saying it to their face. Maybe a little punching, too.

Taurus

Characteristics: patient, dependable, practical, determined, artistic, loyal, stubborn, self-indulgent
Symbol: Bull
Element: Earth
Wine: There's more to you than meets the eye, like the fact that you love the finer things in life even though you're down-to-earth. Pair yourself with something equally indulgent, complex, and stubbornly delicious like the Herederos Del Marques De Riscal 2006 Rioja Reserva. And the popcorn I paired it with isn't a bad idea for you either--air signs can lighten up earth signs, just like popcorn can help the flavors in this wine sing.

Gemini

Characteristics: curious, versatile, expressive, persuasive, changeable, clever, restless, talkative
Symbol: Twins
Element: Earth
Wine: I'm a Gemini. It's the easiest star sign to bullshit, because people just say, "oh, well there's two of you." So basically any personality trait goes. I say this is a wine wildcard. But since I'm bubbly, talkative, and will leave you with plenty of regrets in the morning, I'd say pick up some cheap champagne and pair it with this Miranda Lambert jam that just fucking gets it. I also like candies.

Cancer

Characteristics: tenacious, emotional, intuitive, sensitive, sympathetic, traditional, moody, manipulative
Symbol: Crab
Element: Water
Wine: Traditionally, white wine pairs well with shellfish, and this wine in particular brought on the waterworks when I drank (the whole bottle of) it. Get emotional with this hot little number, the 2010 Cut the Fluff.

Leo

Characteristics: dramatic, dignified, idealistic, ambitious, proud, generous, romantic, overbearing
Symbol: Lion
Element: Fire
Wine: To pair with that proud and dramatic personality, check out this properly bold 2011 Darkhorse Cabernet Sauvignon. Like the ideal Cabernet, it'll go well with your best home-cooked meal and some Passionate Feelings.

Virgo

Characteristics: Gentle, industrious, dependable, methodical, soft-spoken, humane, sincere, easily worried
Symbol: Virgin
Element: Earth
Wine: I was a virgin not so long ago. But I popped by Gewurztraminer cherry with this delicious one from Cupcake. Sweet and straightforward and downright delicious, this one could get even you talking. Pair it with Indian like I did, or a tart and earthy pear and goat cheese sandwich on hearty whole grain with a drop of honey and some afternoon friendship.

Libra

Characteristics: Cooperative, careful, artistic, persuasive, diplomatic, logical, indecisive, fickle
Symbol: Scales
Element: Air
Wine: If there's one person open-minded enough to judge Chardonnay, it's you. I've never reviewed one, but this Le Ferme Julien 2011 white blend with a hint of oak is a good place to start. And the fact that I paired it with The Voice, an exercise in excellent judgement (sometimes. Except when they eliminate people I like. They they are MONSTERS), is even more perfect!

Scorpio

Characteristics: Passionate, penetrating, private, resourceful, loyal, determined, temperamental, intolerant
Symbol: Scorpion
Element: Water
Wine: Hey, weirdo. I mean that in a good way. I find Scorpios to be weird of it and proud and super into astrology. They're kind of like Gemini, in that any personality trait goes. But here, instead of duplicity, the connotation is depth. This layered, passionate 2011 Boom Boom Syrah is delightfully confusing as well. Pair it with a stew as complex as your personality.

Sagittarius

Characteristics: Generous, honest, daring, friendly, confident, enthusiastic, argumentative, blunt
Symbol: Archer
Element: Fire
Wine: Well aren't you just sass and a half! Definitely cheerleader wine (2011 Callaway Sauvignon Blanc) for you. Take this wine to the beach, you little bitch, share it with your hot friends (because of course you have hot friends) and then crush it at drunk windsurfing.

Capricorn

Characteristics: Cautious, focused, responsible, serious, conventional, reliable, hardworking, unforgiving
Symbol: Goat
Element: Earth
Wine: Goats will eat anything. And someone this hardworking deserves to drink anything. Might I suggest this charming Merlot? It's nothing if not reliable...

Aquarius

Characteristics: Independent, tolerant, unpredictable, strong-willed, curious, perceptive, progressive, temperamental
Symbol: Water bearer
Element: Air
Wine: I bet you throw one hell of a party. I mean, that's what a modern-day water-bearer would do, right? So keep it as light and refreshing as your conversation with Reggiano Lambrusco Le Grotte, a super crowd-pleaser, and these blood mimosas you can make from it, which are unexpected and unparalleled.

Pisces

Characteristics: sensitive, compassionate, imaginative, adaptable, intuitive, idealistic, secretive, vulnerable
Symbol: Fish
Element: Water
Wine: The rich and bold Cocobon might seem a little fish-out-of-water (see what I did there?) for the quiet Pisces, but a bigger sweetheart of a wine there is not. Luscious and sensitive and full of secrets (the secrets are all that crazy mocha flavor), serve it with a box of chocolates and an evening of introspection.

But really, just taste all these wines. I mean, why not? They'll get you drunker than your horoscope.

Star sign info courtesy of infoplease.

Wine + expectations

Gewurztraminer is a very aromatic grape which, in I believe one of my best posts to date, I recently came to terms with loving. So I picked up this 2010 Columbia Valley Columbia Winery Gewurztraminer at the 5 cent wine sale.

As far as this flavorful grape goes, this wine is pretty mild. Thank goodness it has a fair amount of petillance. I had to stick my nose all up into that glass to get aromas, even with those baby bubbles to help me out. But there they were, spice (candied ginger comes to mind) and rose (but oh-so-little and it was gone in a day) and tinned lychee or maybe dried persimmon--some dense, sweet fruit going on. Sweet on the palate with enough acidity to keep it from being flabby, this has everything a Gewurztraminer should have, just a little less. It's a little more restrained. A little duller.

It's the Lady Edith of wines.

That doesn't mean it sucks. I mean, ok, if you were expecting Ladies Sybil, Mary or Dowager Countess Violet, you will be bored by this wine. But it's a Gewurztraminer you can actually pair with savory food without having to worry it will wear pants or fuck a Turk or be so deliciously and eloquently catty you just... can't even! It will go great with plenty of foods without monopolizing the conversation. Chicken, turkey, or savory foods with a good amount of sugar like Thai food or tagine will all taste A+ with this. It's also sweet enough to enjoy with a light dessert like pear sorbet or an elegant fruit tart. Lady Edith has all the basics in place but none of that irritating "personality" to get in the way.

The only problem is, Lady Edith also fancies herself interesting and modern. But really she's just pair-able. That's her best quality. If this weren't labeled a Gewurztraminer, I wouldn't be disappointed. But when you expect something vibrant and fragrant, cause it was all, "I am vibrant and fragrant by name and occupation," YOU DON'T WANT LADY FUCKING EDITH.

Peace out, lame wine. I'm bringing my second, 5 cent bottle to a party. A PARTY.

Lady Edith at dinner

What to do when your date cancels and you have work early the next morning

Obviously, have the best night of your life. Be-fucking-hold:

Shelby Ledgerwood recommended a sweet, aromatic Riesling with curry, so I figured this gem of a Gewurztraminer could hold up well to my Indian takeout feast.

Now let me just say, for the record, I HATE that this wine is called "Cupcake." I want to be a cool and withering bitch of a girl who says things like "quelle surprise" about things like an acquaintance's unwanted pregnancy. I do not want to drink a wine called Cupcake. But what can you do? I'm not quite sure how you pronounce "surprise" in that situation, everyone I know seems to practice safe sex and the 2011 Cupcake Gewurztraminer is the jam.

And isn't it fitting to drink a wine called "Cupcake" when staying in on a Friday night? I've had this wine before, with one of my most adorable girlfriends, and that might have been even more fitting, but this is a close second. "'I don't need a man! I'm my own boyfriend!' she sobbed into her cupcake, tears saturated with grief and glitter and cheap white wine." <----that is a sentence that works for sure.

But I'm not sobbing. I don't hate staying in. And I'm not so girly that I have to get a wine called cupcake, I'm not in the store like, "oh my God, it's called 'cupcake,' Nikki, we have to." I just came to terms with the fact that I like Gewurztraminer, and this was the one available through the 5 cent wine sale, so I sucked it up and bought a couple bottles.

And I loved it. What's not to love? Other than myself? Gewurztraminer is a fussy, cool-climate grape that sometimes has a pink tinge and always comes in a tall, slender bottle. It's a lot like a nice Jewish girl: it hates to be too hot, it hates to be too cold, but it's mostly sweet, got a big personality, and smells ah-mazing. Translated, Gewurztraminer literally means "perfumed" or "spiced" Traminer (a kind of grape). And Cupcake proves no exception. This wine smells like guava and rose petals and tastes just as good, with some earthiness as it warms. If an English garden went to town on a tropical rainforest and the tropical rainforest and the English garden was like, "wait, do you have a...?" and the rainforest went, "are you on the pill? Because I just really hate condoms" and the English garden was like, in her mind, "shit, did I take it this morning?" but in her words was all, "yeah, totally, 100%" and then--QUELLE SURPRISE--they got pregnant and decided to keep it, this wine would be their love child. And I really mean that, because they end up happily ever after. Don't believe me? Then take Knocked Up off your favorite movies list on Facebook, hypocrite, because that is pretty much the plot of that movie.

I used to think dry meant classy when it came to white wines. But while Cupcake 2011 Gewurztraminer is dry, it's more floral and fun and whimsical and honestly, so am I. I will never pull off "quelle surprise" in conversation (but I do think I pretty much nailed it above in text). I do, however, make great comfort food and snuggle like nobody's watching. I laugh a lot. Flowers are the best. My cake decorating skills are solid. My name is Ali Schouten, AND I'M OK WITH BEING SWEET.

God, that felt good. But back to brass tacks (on like, an aqua ballet flat. Right??? How cute would that be?). Don't serve this wine too cold. In fact, don't serve whites too cold in general. You won't get any aromatics. An ice bucket should only be used for sparkling wine, and most whites need a minute after they come out of the fridge. Let this one linger in your glass; that last sip will be a treasure at almost room temperature. It goes well with spice, salt, and rich flavors (hence it kicking ass with Chicken Korma and Garlic Naan). Pair it with Indian food, a Kubrick classic, and contented solitude, or an everything bagel with smoked salmon, a gaggle of girlfriends (bonus points if they are also geese) and proud, self-mocking loneliness.

Exhibit A

Exhibit B

(I was smiling at an everything bagel with smoked salmon)

(I was blonde)

(Also there were girlfriends there. The gaggle was taking the picture. This is not a great exhibit)