Thursday, March 28, 2013

Wine + OkCupid

For anyone who's dubious of internet dating, allow me to change your mind entirely. This is a real message I got on OkCupid:
Ok, so the guy lives in New York. State. But I feel like maybe I should move there. Because, I mean, hello, free husband. Love is real, guys! Love is so f-ing real.

And while most people say you can't find answers at the bottom of a glass, I've found that tipsy online dating makes the guys more appealing but saves me from the consequences of most public instances of beer goggles. The only problem is if you're buzzed, you're far more likely to mix up "your" and "you're" which is a weird deal breaker a lot of people seem to have. Call me old fashioned, but I firmly believe that the only deal breaker should be hotness. Internet dating with a good bottle of vino is the most romantic way to drink alone. Yes, I know about writers and their drinking problems. I'm saying romantic. You're thinking romanticized.

But in some seriousness, wine is a good topic for OkCupid, and not just if you love it. On my profile, under "Things I'm good at" is "kind of knowing about wine." While I haven't yet gotten desperate enough to calculate which line in my profile gets the most responses, I will say this one has probably gotten the best responses overall. Guys who respond to the wine line tend to be quick to cut to the chase and go for the date (the most important quality in an internet suitor, because who needs another email pen pal? That's what 99% of my friends are already), often asking me to impart on them my mid-level oenophilia over a glass of the good stuff in the very first message. Really, that's what makes the responses the best: willingness to meet me in person at a neutral location and buy me a glass of wine. Also I always offer to pay and mean it. With standards this low, it's a wonder I'm single. And yet, the personality persists.

But even non-drinkers can get in on this. Lines about wine tend to be subtle but important dividers that can be used to your advantage. One guy told me he liked a specific region of Spanish wines but was also down with a bottle of Two Buck Chuck (obviously, I responded). He expressed a point of view about wine and about life in general. This point of view, that he has taste but isn't a total snob, is in line with my own. One could have just as much success with lines in their profile like "Message me if... you don't give a shit about wine and are happier with a PBR" or "I've forgotten more about wine than Wilfred Wong will ever know" or "I don't drink, but I appreciate a good donut the way ultra-charming blogger Ali Schouten appreciates any bottle of wine." Respective responses: "Let's go get a beer," "I know an ultra chic wine bar. I'd love to take you" and "Let's eat 10,000 donuts off each other's taut, naked bodies which are taut in spite of said donuts because they do not have a cushion of booze-fat surrounding them."

The best part is, lines like this weed out people you don't want anyway. I don't want a guy who can't get at least a little bit into my stumbling, aspirational food and wine pseudo-snobbery. Line A doesn't want snobbery. Line B doesn't want the snobbery to be pseudo. And Line C doesn't want someone who doesn't love donuts, aka they don't want a full-on monster.

So pour yourself a glass, crack open a box of Krispy Kremes, and put your best face forward. On the internet only. You should definitely pair this activity with sweatpants and a distinctive lack of bra. If you're wearing makeup, you're doing it wrong. Who knows? Maybe this will lead to true love:

The New Yorker: also excellent online dating fodder. And if you want more fascinating tips and tricks of dating politics in general, be sure to check out this blog.

No comments:

Post a Comment