Dreams last... so long

When I was a youth, I LOVED Jewel. My eighth grade yearbook page quoted from "Foolish Games" and the quote was attributed to Jewel Kilcher because I knew Jewel's last name. I'd listen to her CD while taking a bubble bath and think about my feelings and feel all my thoughts but not my body, I still wasn't ready for that so I pretended I didn't exist below the neck like any decent woman should. I. Loved. Jewel. Then, I got older.

And nothing changed. The music of Jewel is perfect. Not everything on the internet has to be argumentative or hateful and not all stories about growing up have to be about change. All of Jewel's music is literally the voice of an angel cursed to live here on earth because her voice, face, body and personality were too beautiful for even heaven, accompanied by the mischievous cherub who followed her on her banished journey to our planet on a harp that just happens to sound like a guitar or piano sometimes. But one song in particular is just a universal truth that should be preserved in the Library of Congress alongside all of Twitter but not actually alongside, on a much more prominent and carefully temperature-controlled shelf. That song is "You Were Meant for Me."

"You Were Meant for Me" is the kind of thing all of us hope we are writing when we are writing: a simple grocery list of our activities and emotions that will somehow resonate with anyone who reads it. What's so special about this song is that it doesn't have to be about a lover. It can be about a family member. Your hair after yesterday's impulse haircut (this is where I'm currently at. I had JUST figured my hair out and now it is GONE and WHY). Your God damn keys if you're feeling it enough. And this song doesn't even have to be lonesome. Belt it out with friends and you will never lose them. It's true, it's Jewel angel magic, she makes friendships permanent.

By now, my loyal readers know I think wine goes with anything. I'd like to add that Jewel is the wine of people. Remember that time she went to the karaoke bar in a fake nose and sang "better than Jewel?" Remember when Nick Lachey called her pretty and in one look she said, "Really? You think someone in this room has a successful music career because of their looks and it's ME? My use of the term successful in your case is LIBERAL" but also the look was very cute? Remember how her teeth are???

Guys this has nothing to do with wine I'm just pretty amped about Jewel. Here's the video and lyrics in case you are in a quiet place and cannot play the video at full volume. A fun thing I just invented is you read the lyrics and in your head they play very loudly and also you make up your own video. In that version, if you're like me and often spend all day in PJs, you can replace the word "PJs" with the word "nightguard." Jewel doesn't mind :)

"You Were Meant For Me"

I hear the clock, it's six a.m.
I feel so far from where I've been
I got my eggs I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but you.
I break the yolks, make a smiley face
I kinda like it in my brand new place
I wipe the spots off the mirror
Don't leave the keys in the door
Never put wet towels on the floor anymore' cause

[Chorus:]
Dreams last so long
even after you're gone
I know you love me
And soon you will see
You were meant for me
And I was meant for you.

I called my momma, she was out for a walk
Consoled a cup of coffee but it didn't wanna talk
So I picked up a paper, it was more bad news
More hearts being broken or people being used
Put on my coat in the pouring rain
I saw a movie it just wasn't the same
'Cause it was happy or I was sad
It made me miss you oh so bad 'cause

[Chorus]

I go about my business, I'm doing fine
Besides what would I say if I had you on the line
Same old story, not much to say
Hearts are broken, everyday.
I brush my teeth and put the cap back on
I know you hate it when I leave the light on
I pick a book up. Turn the sheets down.
And then I take a deep breath and a good look around
Put on my pjs and hop into bed
I'm half alive but I feel mostly dead
I try and tell myself it'll be all right
I just shouldn't think anymore tonight 'cause

[Chorus]

Yeah... You were meant for me and I was meant for you.

2014 is gonna be OUR YEAR

Here are some things I have done in 2014 that prove it will be MY YEAR SKY'S THE LIMIT AIRHORN AIRHORN BIG PARADE:

-Mixed maple sugar candy into my coffee. It was very sweet!!!!!
-Ate dinner at 4:30pm. Alright!!!!!
-Went to the doctor with my new health insurance. Got a referral to see additional doctors so I can figure out what is the deal is with the mole between my toes that looks suspicious!!!!!
-Saw "Say Yes to the Dress" for the first time. And then an additional 14 times cause there are many episodes on a website called Netflix.com!!!!!
-Sent some very cool text messages. Just classic fun smart texts. Also had a phone call with my best friend so long that her phone overheated and shut off and she was in a cold location!!!!!
-Bid on and won my new boyfriend for the next three to seven weeks:

You can bet your bottom dollar there will be some wine + puzzlin' happening in my bedroom and no this is not a sex euphemism but I think maybe 2014 is the year I could make it one!!!!!

-Did not sufficiently wash some kale I cooked and it was quite gritty. Ate it anyway!!!!!

-Spent a long time researching whether or not Corey Stoll is currently dating anyone and if so who. Still do not know!!!!!

-Worked vigorously to make the phrase "no iro" happen like when you want to point out that what you are saying or doing is not ironic but rather genuine. Has not yet happened!!!!!

-Watched "The Godfather Part II" for the very first time. Italians!!!!!

-Inspired you all with this classic fun smart post. Take action of your life and be better yous! Your current yous are unacceptable!!!!! Starshine!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

-Here you go:

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I finished my puzzle!!! 4000 pieces!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

FYI, the last day I worked on it, I spent the whole time singing whatever snippets I could remember of this oldie but greatie. Omg get ready to FEEL!

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One of my jobs is in music, and I get the privilege of working with awesome new artists. Check out a great remix of Cody Longo's "She Said" here!

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SO DRINK ONLY RED WINE
CAUSE IT MAKES YOU LIVE LONGER
AND IT DOESN'T HAVE THE SKETCHINESS
OF TAP OR BOTTLED WATER!

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Everything about this video is pure sex. Because sex is a little awkward and, honestly, quite a bit dated at this point.

And it's a dude in a poncho taking pics of you in a gold satin robe for SURE.

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Somehow I missed this. My charming friend Eve remedied that. Although she showed it to me after I did a douchey little monologue about tasting wine properly, so now I'm realizing it might have been a hint. Hey nice to meet you I'm Ali and I am the worst.

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So my favorite hobby is writing new words to pre-existing songs. Even songs as incredible as this:

It made me think... what about us darling New England girls? Ok, so our region lacks the sexiness and specificity of the South. Whatever. Don't we deserve a song? Don't we deserve a song with the EXACT SAME TUNE? OH YES WE DO, THANKS FOR MAKING ONE, ALI.

She's New England

Music by whoever wrote "She's Country"
Lyrics by Ali Schouten

She's an average-sized human in her practical boots
Daddy's Irish Catholic, Momma's a Jew
She's a hard-drinking WASP
From just north of Boston
She's a glue-sniffing townie
From Merrimack County

Hates the toll bridge
Loves foliage
Vermont maple syrup is the only shit
With a
Huge divide in wealth
Not sure if there's a hell
The Departed was dope.

New England!
From her field hockey sweats to her fear of death
New England, yeah-eah
From the songs she plays to the shrink she pays
That's the way she was born and raised
Unless she moved here for school and stayed!
New England!
Sox, Pats, Bruins

Makes sure she's inside when the sun goes down
Cause it's cold as fuck and the human body has limitations
She can cause some pain from Rhode Island to Maine
Like a half day's drive in her aunt's minivan

Massapequa Shaniqua
Ready for the cold
Cause it's inside her soul
Bony bitchy broad
Thinks about New York
The Fighter should have won the Oscar.

New England!
From her big snow tires to she's dead inside
New England, yeah-eah
Plays squash the best, she'll tweet her own death
That's the way she was born and raised
Better believe she can ice skate!
New England!
Ali is probably the third most common name among women

(then there's a long talking interlude, which totally fits my New England experience, so whatever, "The South." There's also lots of guitar, but it's not acoustic or terrible so I can't relate)

She's New England
From her cowboy boots
That she got at J. Crew

She's New England!
She knows how to punch
And she fuckin loves brunch
New England, yeah-eah
The New Kids On the Block
Are from her block.
That's the way she was born and raised
Got her period when she was eight!
New England!
It's probably the maple syrup.
That awesome maple syrup.

From Connecticut
To places that don't suck
She's a girl from a place
She's New England

Sorry if you can't handle my realness

BOOM. HAPPY SATURDAY NIGHT.

Hey, people in relationships. I win.

I also got this sexy little thing at Trader Joe's tonight:

Lest you think I'm antisocial, I had a good 45 minute conversation with the wine expert on duty. We talked so long, I might be able to claim her as a black friend. If I needed to do that. If I didn't already have like, a million black friends. I have black friends. It's just none of my friends of any race wanted to come over for steak. But they're real friends, guys. They exist for sure.

Anyway, I asked my new close friend what would go with steak for "a dinner party I'm having this week." She didn't have to know all the details. She suggested the 2011 Darkhorse Cabernet Sauvignon. And let me tell you, it did not disappoint. Bursting with mocha flavor but less rich than the lovely Cocobon, this fruit-forward, black cherry and smoke-laden vixen had the tannins and the attitude to stand up to my peppery pan-fried steak. Juicy is a great word for this wine, because it's got those ripe berry flavors, but it's also juicy like a beautiful ass. Sweet and graceful and thick with good things to hold onto, this is a wine to make mistakes with. Like eating a 1-lb steak alone on a Saturday night. Or, like, sex stuff. Or like, other youthful type escapades that don't involve wearing sweatpants because I'm not wearing sweatpants at all.

Yes I had a date tonight.

The date just ended early:

PS that absolutely is an MNDR bumper sticker on my wine glass. I met her once and she is as awesome as her music. Check her out:

Cheers, youth!

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Slow dance jam party by yourself slowly

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Triple the action slow jamz duet edition!

It's so crazy that so many people only produce one amazing thing in their lives, and The Voice has produced like a million. One of which is this:

Which is basically the uptempo version of this:

Which borrowed heavily from the original and best ode to using your ex as an excuse to drink (duet category), which is this:

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Get sampled and sexxxy

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Hitmaker shake your moneymaker (brain)

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You're welcome bop bop bopbopbopbopbopbop