Yum yum yum adulthood is yum

It's no longer assumed that someone in their twenties is an adult. At least for my race, class, and educational level, extended adolescence has become the norm for people pursuing their artsy dreams and experimenting with romantic partners who regularly destroy them emotionally. I went after these things hard for a while. I mean, I went to grad school. For screenwriting.

I am by no means out of the weeds of immaturity I've let grow over my life. But there comes a time when a person looks around them and says, "I feel like a real person right now." That happened to me recently when I bought a bed. Ok, so it's on back order and I probably won't get it until next July, but I bit the bullet and bought an actual bed frame. The six-year-old mattress and box spring combo I bought on the cheap in Koreatown, which I'd call a Full but it's actually a little smaller than a full, it's like just a janky little non-size, is going away, to be replaced by my roommate's six-year-old Queen sized mattress he bought for even less, but in a real bed frame! Someday! Probably!

Once I bought one thing that made me feel like an adult, I wanted to do it again. So I went out and spent a whopping 8 dollars on a wine.

Whoa!

Just saying what we were all thinking. Which was, whoa! Here's the wine I bought:

Do adults clean the smudges off their wine glasses oops guess not

Look how legit and French-looking it is! Famille Perrin's 2013 Reserve sounds fancy as fuck, but remember, Reserve doesn't really mean anything outside of a few places. I must say, this wine is twice as good as the four-dollar favs I've come to depend on. Bursting with aromas of blackberry preserves and plum, plus a little white pepper, this is a luscious wine with a long, spicy finish. It's a damn good wine which I might even share with my lovely boyfriend, who, I am proud to say, does not take pleasure in regularly stepping on my heart. I'm so grown up!

Wine + the World

Here are some cool things about the world:

-Sustains life. Excellent!
-There's boys there. (Hehehehe)
-It's where wine and puzzles are made, and my family is.
-Friendships happen here, as well.

No wonder there's science and that Louis Armstrong song! The world is so cool. But what happens when worlds collide? Well, according to movies, usually not the best of stuff. So you can understand Whitney's apprehension when tasting the 2013 Clos Cibonne, a wine that combines the best of Old World and New World flavors:

As you know, I am a huge fan of the tastings at Silverlake Wine. I recently dragged dear treasure Whitney Ralls to one of their incredible Sunday tastings. The theme: France. The food: heavenly sandwiches and pastries from Proof Bakery. Our attire: crisp summer frocks which nearly wilted on the walk and were immediately replaced with light pajama-wear when we got back to my house (sterling, intelligent conversation was replaced by me bullying her into watching Bachelor in Paradise). The standout wine: Clos Cibonne.

I also got a new puzzle :)

This wine moonlights as a Wes Anderson title sequence.

The taste-master (great term I just invented) told us all about this special wine, which comes out every year to varying degrees of success. It's always good, but some years it is WOW. 2013 was one of those years. The reason for this is it's made from an uncommon and temperamental grape, Tibouren. Tibouren is a lighter and more sensitive grape than some of its other South-of-France buddies. The color of the wine is more transparent than others typical of the region, but still with a richness to it. The result is a stunning, ruby red wine with exceptional clarity. 

But wines, unlike humans, can't be judged by their appearance. Our taste-master told us this was wine for wine geeks, a grape for people who are really into grapes. But on the palate, this is a crowd-pleaser. A jock, if you will. A jock with a sense of humor and a guitar. On the nose there's a nice Old World funk to it, as well as a chocolate-y aroma. But give it a swirl and you get red cherry and raspberries, like a classic Pinot Noir. Taste it and in addition to those fruits, a strawberry rhubarb quality and a flat cola vibe accompany the earthy flavors. The result is a juicy yet down-to-earth wine that combines Old World aromatics with New. Pair this wine with almost anything, particularly a rich and salty but still oh-so-light ham and cheese croissant from Proof Bakery. It is truly out of this world.

And while you're at it, combine some other old world and new world traditions. Like women and voting. Pumpkins and Times Square. Interesting art from various ancient Chinese dynasties and bras. Cappuccino and potato chips NO NOT THAT EVER CHAD SCOTT MUST BE STOPPED, MY FLAVOR SUGGESTIONS WERE BETTER, THAT IS WHY I AM COMBINING REVOLUTION AND POTATO CHIPS LET US RISE UP AGAINST THE EVIL THAT IS THE CAPPUCCINO CHIP. I TRIED ONE TINY BITE AND PUT THE REST DOWN, IT WAS THE WORST BITE OF MY LIFE!!!!!!

Guys... his bio. That background photo. His follower count. Also he challenged the other flavor finalists to the ice bucket challenge and they ignored him and it's so great. My flavor suggestions included Miso and Paella. You know, delicious salty foods that actually make sense as a chip???

Ok. Phew. Time to calm down. Maybe I need just one more teensy tiny half glass of Clos Cibonne... Yes, I can see that I am all worked up over these damn chips and that ought to remedy things quite nicely. Goodnight!

What I did on my six month vacation

Here are some things I did while you all waited patiently for my blog to return:

-Turned 28. I got 17 bottles of wine. These are now gone.
-Fulfilled my dream of writing for television, and my body's dream of eating the diet of a television writer (one million bags of popcorn per day).
-Took some of the popcorn with me. A lot. Like a bag a day. To have after the show ended. These are now gone.
-Got a Fitbit to combat fatness and/or body shame. Got too into the Fitbit. Have Fitbit addiction shame.
-Just checked my Fitbit.
-I took this picture:

-I took this picture:

-I took this picture no jk that's me I'm right there:

-I danced like nobody was watching because nobody was watching, I was just in my room by myself.

-I feel like my hair looked really good at the fair. Like better than that goat's hair or whatever that is. Not sure what I'm doing with my mouth but it seems pretty clear what I'm doing with my hair: killin it.

-I got like four new bras. My bra game has changed completely. I'm so, so, so, so different.

-I stopped liking the library. NOPE LOL GOT YOU I LOVE IT.

-I went to my brother's wedding and it was so great and so beautiful and I am so happy for him.

-I got into the Bachelor franchise. Pretty much have the same feelings about that as I did about my brother's wedding. 

-Just got in a few steps on the Fitbit walking to the kitchen to see if I have any more popcorn. I didn't. :(

Another weirdo white...

...from one of my very favorite weirdos, Sarah Streicher! And this wine is just like her: classy and confusing with some humor and bite and charisma and it is white! But like... with attitude. And freckles. Can a wine have adorable freckles? Uh. Yeah. And if one wine were to do the job, it would be this tart and confusing wonder...

Please note that I actually have a glass from this winery to drink it from. 

Also "Bachelor in Paradise" on in the background. 

This is the correct way to drink wine.

The Zaca Mesa 2009 Roussanne reminds me of an Amarone: it smells like a dessert wine and drinks like a dry white wine. But this one has another added twist: it's served room temperature like a red! What????? Yeah, you heard that right. Which is to say, you heard nothing, you're reading this to yourself in a quiet room with a framed photo of my on an otherwise empty mahogany table at your side, so what would you be hearing? Me? As I write this, I'm hearing the lilting lullaby of a house painter next door screaming and whistling along to Spanish language pop music.

The wine is aged sur lie and you can really taste it. There's a super yeasty quality to this one. The label says spiced pears, figs and roasted almonds. For sure. For me it's like peach cobbler without any sugar. An intriguing wine that makes you want to pour another glass. If wine tasting is all about engaging the senses, this wine fucking gets it. If not, I may not get "it." Uh-oh.

If you like things that are interesting, be sure to follow Sarah on Twitter @heyabbot. Look how cute she and this piglet are!!!

But... why?

So I love people.com. Truly adore this website. I like to vote on fashion and read about The Bachelor instead of having to watch it and I love their pictures of the food from celebrity birthday parties. Here's what I don't love:

Wine. Fucking. Milkshakes.

I mean, I would literally step in front of a moving train for everything on the list of ingredients but like, must we? Wine milkshakes seem like a selfie of any kind: totally unnecessary.

Oh, past Ali, must we?

Why wine milkshakes? Why bacon in absolutely everything? Why can't we enjoy things one at a time instead of being gluttonous monsters like spoiled children on a tour of a candy factory? Probably because of power. I think multitasking makes us feel like we're too cool to be committed to doing one thing, too important not to stack our tasks, too busy to live. And this, in turn, makes us feel powerful. Multi-eating is luxurious and crazy and creative and so chill. Even when the foods we make from many foods don't actually taste good. 

I'm totally guilty of obnoxious multi-tasking (like, say, eating lunch while writing this post with my elbow resting on my actual work). But when it comes to wine, I think food and conversation are the only things that need to be mixed with it. 

Unless, of course, you're making my sangria.

Cool how this $3 wine is dope

Blackberry, black cherry, raspberry, plus a little tobacco, earth. 3 FUCKING DOLLARS BRO.

The best wine in the world...

Is friendship. Duh. But the second best wine in the world is R. Lopez de Heredia "Vina Gravonia" Bianco Rioja 2004 and on Sunday, I had both.

My beautiful bestie. Not the girl in the background. That's my Ultimate Nemesis.

Pictured is Ms. Julia Cox, Friend Supreme as well the writer of this smart people equivalent to fan fiction. In this photo, she's not actually drinking the second best wine in the world, because when we were served the second best wine in the world, we were a little too busy exclaiming over it to bother with a picture.

If you've yet to attend a tasting at Silverlake Wine, remedy that immediately. Not only do they use my preferred spelling of "Silverlake" (the incorrect, one word spelling), it is simply the best wine tasting experience you can have. Somehow the folks there find the exact sweet spot between knowledgable and laid back, meaning anyone, from the most distinguished oenophile to the most dedicated beer drinker can have a hell of a time. For 12 bucks on Monday and Thursday evenings, you can have a delicious flight of generous pours. Mondays feature a spread of complimentary cheeses, Thursday's, bread and the finest butter I have ever known, and both nights you're welcome to bring food in. Killer food trucks linger outside, and one time my dear friend Aubrey brought in a pizza and that was ENCOURAGED.

But Sundays. Oh, man, Sundays at Silverlake Wine. I had no idea. I had some idea. I am on their mailing list. Sunday tastings are more formal (relatively speaking). They require a reservation. There are little speeches before each wine. They have start time of 3pm, which says, "this is serious wine tasting, not after work drinks." Sunday tastings are 20 dollars, feature five wines and come with an impossibly delicious spread of food. I finally went this past Sunday and, 3 hours later, dawdled home in the best mood ever and bought a ticket to The Lego Movie and went by myself and it was dope, obviously.

Just the atmosphere and company alone would have been enough. But, as I said, there was also this wine. This wine:

This wine.

I don't believe in love at first sight. Probably because people are constantly claiming to be in it with me like 24/7/365 plus more, like many times per day. But this was love at first sniff and I know it with all my heart.

This is the strangest wine I've ever tasted. The name of the grape escapes me, but it's definitely not one I've tried. It's an aged white, which is rare. Ten years old for a white is generally seen as too much. But whatever they're doing at this winery, they're killing it. Cool thing is, they don't exactly know. Most places that age in oak barrels use small, new ones so a wine will get lots of oak flavors (for whites this generally means the buttery, biscuit-y aromatics associated with California Chardonnay). These guys use old, big barrels, which means less direct contact with oak and less oak flavor. What's more, they don't wash them. Most places wash after every season. Nope. Here they love their wine so much they're afraid of changing anything, so they keep it as is, grime and all.

And it's easy to imagine a magic bacteria is the key to the success here. The first sniff was packed full of earthy, salty, rich aromatics. Brie cheese. Mushrooms. Julia said mushrooms on toast, and that's dead on because of the butter and near salinity in there as well. But there's also honeysuckle. Dried apricot. This wine is bone dry on the palate, not sweet at all, but there are layers we'd normally associate with a dessert wine--honey, dried fruits. It's old, but has the minerality and refreshing zing of a young Sauvignon Blanc. Lemon curd. Rosemary! Name an unexpected aromatic and it was probably in there. And it kept changing. They had decanted the wine for an hour (another rarity with whites). When I got a second pour after the tasting (4 dollars extra. FOUR DOLLARS FOR A GLASS OF THIS HEAVEN), it was a whole new bouquet.

We tried the wine with the delectable fish stew from Heirloom LA, but found it went better without food. There's so much happening here, you just want to take tiny sips and big whiffs forever and keep searching. If I had to pair this wine with something, I'd pair it with a little bit of pot. The things you would find!

I bought two bottles, and I plan to serve them with a nice little cheese plate and stellar conversation. If you happen to be in the neighborhood with 29.50 to spare, I highly recommend you do the same. I also cannot recommend friendship enough. Just, so good.

Zeus is the original anti-hero

You know what TV show I would watch? The one I just invented with my mind. Ok, so it's called "Dio" and it's the EXACT SAME plot as Fox's Kevin Bacon starrer "The Following" only instead of FBI agent Ryan Hardy being forced out of retirement to track down former local college professor and current serial killer Joe Carroll, it's me playing an RA who's forced out of retirement to curb parties thrown by current local college student and always non-murderer... Dionysus. Death count is approximately the same but maybe higher. Kevin Bacon/Ali Schouten still has a comically bland and exaggerated drinking problem that is referenced constantly and yields zero consequences. 5 million dollars or best offer. I do not accept Traveler's Cheques, as they are v dumb.

I love Greek mythology. Right before my listening-to Jewel-while-in-the-bath phase, I had a long listening-to-the-audio-book-of-D'aulaires-Book-of-Greek-Myths phase. It feels like it was always very clear who and what I would become in adulthood. Another tip off:

Greek myths have much to teach us. Mostly lessons about how you shouldn't have sex with animals, but also other lessons. What I love in particular about Greek myths is how flawed everyone is, humans and Gods alike. Zeus is kind of the original anti-hero. Everyone in Greek myths just does what they feel like and if that gets in the way of someone else's happiness, they get punished. Seems like a pretty good way to handle one's shit.

Dionysus is the God of wine. But he's also ME. He was the product of a rape (just like Detective (now Sargent) Olivia Benson, who is my favorite person to have ever existed) and had a tough road to being named the last God on Mount Olympus (just like I'll have a tough road being the first non-singing winner of NBC's hit reality show "The Voice"). He's really great at partying and also rage. Me too! He's also the dude who reluctantly granted Midas' wish that whatever he touched would be turned to gold (after Midas took care of Dionysus' drunk friend for 10 days, a thing I do sometimes or need done and gold is my favorite color). He hates Agave (his aunt, but whatever, I hate agave the thing!). He made the first wine in the world out of people, and I make out with people when I drink wine. He has the Bachae? I have many dope female friends! This is like, spooky, right?

Mainly, though, we're flawed but also excellent individuals who have mortal moms and love wine. A lot of people are like that. A lot of people are like a lot of people, because we're all more the same than we are different. This discovery led to the invention of empathy, which I like better than computers even. Maybe next time I meet someone I dislike, I should try to think of all our similarities, like I did with Dionysus. Maybe... if they're a totally dope God of wine! No but seriously guys, jk, jk, I do love most people so much probably too much because of my empathetic and functioning heart. Namaste.

Same as it ever was

An old fav

Enjoy this treat my little tricks! This is one of my favorite pieces of writing ever.

Dreams last... so long

When I was a youth, I LOVED Jewel. My eighth grade yearbook page quoted from "Foolish Games" and the quote was attributed to Jewel Kilcher because I knew Jewel's last name. I'd listen to her CD while taking a bubble bath and think about my feelings and feel all my thoughts but not my body, I still wasn't ready for that so I pretended I didn't exist below the neck like any decent woman should. I. Loved. Jewel. Then, I got older.

And nothing changed. The music of Jewel is perfect. Not everything on the internet has to be argumentative or hateful and not all stories about growing up have to be about change. All of Jewel's music is literally the voice of an angel cursed to live here on earth because her voice, face, body and personality were too beautiful for even heaven, accompanied by the mischievous cherub who followed her on her banished journey to our planet on a harp that just happens to sound like a guitar or piano sometimes. But one song in particular is just a universal truth that should be preserved in the Library of Congress alongside all of Twitter but not actually alongside, on a much more prominent and carefully temperature-controlled shelf. That song is "You Were Meant for Me."

"You Were Meant for Me" is the kind of thing all of us hope we are writing when we are writing: a simple grocery list of our activities and emotions that will somehow resonate with anyone who reads it. What's so special about this song is that it doesn't have to be about a lover. It can be about a family member. Your hair after yesterday's impulse haircut (this is where I'm currently at. I had JUST figured my hair out and now it is GONE and WHY). Your God damn keys if you're feeling it enough. And this song doesn't even have to be lonesome. Belt it out with friends and you will never lose them. It's true, it's Jewel angel magic, she makes friendships permanent.

By now, my loyal readers know I think wine goes with anything. I'd like to add that Jewel is the wine of people. Remember that time she went to the karaoke bar in a fake nose and sang "better than Jewel?" Remember when Nick Lachey called her pretty and in one look she said, "Really? You think someone in this room has a successful music career because of their looks and it's ME? My use of the term successful in your case is LIBERAL" but also the look was very cute? Remember how her teeth are???

Guys this has nothing to do with wine I'm just pretty amped about Jewel. Here's the video and lyrics in case you are in a quiet place and cannot play the video at full volume. A fun thing I just invented is you read the lyrics and in your head they play very loudly and also you make up your own video. In that version, if you're like me and often spend all day in PJs, you can replace the word "PJs" with the word "nightguard." Jewel doesn't mind :)

"You Were Meant For Me"

I hear the clock, it's six a.m.
I feel so far from where I've been
I got my eggs I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but you.
I break the yolks, make a smiley face
I kinda like it in my brand new place
I wipe the spots off the mirror
Don't leave the keys in the door
Never put wet towels on the floor anymore' cause

[Chorus:]
Dreams last so long
even after you're gone
I know you love me
And soon you will see
You were meant for me
And I was meant for you.

I called my momma, she was out for a walk
Consoled a cup of coffee but it didn't wanna talk
So I picked up a paper, it was more bad news
More hearts being broken or people being used
Put on my coat in the pouring rain
I saw a movie it just wasn't the same
'Cause it was happy or I was sad
It made me miss you oh so bad 'cause

[Chorus]

I go about my business, I'm doing fine
Besides what would I say if I had you on the line
Same old story, not much to say
Hearts are broken, everyday.
I brush my teeth and put the cap back on
I know you hate it when I leave the light on
I pick a book up. Turn the sheets down.
And then I take a deep breath and a good look around
Put on my pjs and hop into bed
I'm half alive but I feel mostly dead
I try and tell myself it'll be all right
I just shouldn't think anymore tonight 'cause

[Chorus]

Yeah... You were meant for me and I was meant for you.

Wine + sadness

Wine gets a bad rap sometimes for being the drink of sadness. I mean, even Donna thinks it is:

While champagne is the drink of toasts, un-sparkling wine is often seen in the media tucked into the hands of sad people. And not just any sad people. Wine is the beverage of choice for shitty sad people whose problems are trivial. Your husband leaves you, you hit the tequila bottle. You're a single girl whose best friend is getting married, oh look, there's some wine.

I'd be a hypocrite if I said I never got sad on account of some wine. After all, isn't sadness a feeling? But I do wonder about how somewhere along the line we went from Bacchus to bereavement (ahem, Nobel lit committee, that was some fine alliteration). I imagine the way it happened was something like this:

INT. 1930s OFFICE FULL OF IMPORTANT MEN WITH IMPORTANT SUITS - DAY

The men are important. They have coffees and papers and things. The most important one smokes a cigar and is named JOHN.

JOHN

See here, gents, we've got to figure out a way to 

show sadness in the talkies without sacrificing 

profits from our shares in Big Alcohol.

MAN 1

What if all the sad people in movies are immigrants!

MAN 2

Make the only people who get sad be nuns!

MAN 3

No sadness!!!

JOHN

No, no, no! These are all terrible ideas. 

Can't anyone come up with something good?

A young go-getter by the name of OLIVER, all the way at the end of the table is like, ummm. Slowly, everyone turns. They're like, how did you get in here?

JOHN

How did you get in here, chimney sweep?

OLIVER

Please sir. I have an idea.

Hubbub. How could this guy have an idea?

JOHN

Alright, speak it out.

OLIVER

Well, we all hate Europe, right? And 

the US will never make any good wine. 

What say we make wine the drink of 

sadness?

Silence. Everyone turns to John.

JOHN

Great scot, he's done it!

Hurray!

FIN.

And that man grew up to be... Barack Obama.

I've been thinking a lot about when the media tells us to be sad, especially with many of my friends getting engaged and finding their careers start to take off. Women especially are depicted in television and film as jealous wrecks when their friends or siblings hit milestones before them. So many of us (I'm so guilty) have built solid Twitter timelines off of tired jokes about how pathetic we are compared to others. I find that the more I self-deprecate on Twitter, the more stars I get. And while that seems like a small thing, since I began tweeting regularly, I have become a less confident person. The positive reinforcement to my negativity can't be helping.

But back to sadness. Back to wine! I know I'm supposed to feel behind when a friend finds success, but that doesn't really have a negative impact on me. What I mean isn't that I don't feel an occasional twinge of jealousy, but rather that I feel behind in life pretty much all the time. I don't need a reminder! A friend finding happiness doesn't change the fact that I haven't. If anything, it's probably a good thing, as happy people feel very obligated to listen to their pals whine. Plus, when two people get engaged and at least one is your friend, they're not taking anyone off the market. If you aren't a total shit head, that dude was already off the market for you. I never expected to marry any of my friends' fiancees. Nor was I gunning for a promotion at a law firm. When a fellow comedy writer gets good news, at some point or another I might feel a little antsier than usual, but I find it encouraging when talented, hardworking people succeed, so I'll come down from my jealous tizzy pretty quickly. I find it delightful when people I love find love.

So next time you give me your good news and I pour a glass of wine, don't feel bad. Know that I'm a borderline alcoholic all the time, not just when good things are happening for you.

Poor Anne Wells. Probably off to pour herself a big glass of Gewurztraminer.

Wine + activities

Wine and activities. An interesting combination. I've done some fine work will sipping on a little something: writing, kissing, internet dating. But sometimes, you gotta cut yourself off.

Paul wisely brought me nothing but a hug home that evening.

Other times, you forego a stunning, forest green leather skort because of tummy emphasis you never would have noticed if you'd had a drink or two:

Alas, the zippers.

The key is to recognize the level at which you are most productive and creative with your decision-making in regards to wine and then maintain that drunkenness as much as possible.

I hit the sweet spot tonight.

Pouring a little of my delicious wine from the night prior (that heavenly Zin) in full gym gear while slamming against a thick writers block until it yielded, I nailed it. One sip and I was in. I got more done in an hour and a half than I had all day. Not more in terms of volume. More in terms of good.

Now, I knew this level of sharpness and creativity was a special place, and not one that I could easily maintain. So, right around the time I passed the sweet spot, I opened up Paint and made this graph. It charts not how good or bad a decision is, but how interesting. That's why great writing can happen a little tipsy, but not wasted.

*The exception here is, of course, dancing, which can be done gracefully, creatively and stunningly between 0 and 6 glasses of wine, and erotically for many drinks after that depending on tolerance. Great dance decisions have been made at all wine-drunk levels.

The biggest boost happens at the first sip, with diminishing returns after that. it's the idea of wine, the relaxation it provides, that does more than the actual alcohol. By glass five, you're making dumb decisions you think are fascinating. You're wrong.

Something happens at glass six, though. A bottle of wine holds five glasses. So at 6, you're determining this is a fucking NIGHT. It's where you go from drunk to crunk. It's where you go from let's go to 7-11 to let's rob a 7-11. It's where most web series are born. Are these ideas good? No. But they are interesting. Most people's cool drunk stories take place at 6. Most stories people tell about being drunk are beyond that. But the really good ones, the ones people pass along? 6s. Just like the guys my girlfriends set me up with. Not hot enough to do again, but interesting enough to keep around.

Now, as they say on Radio Lab every fucking second, here's where it gets really interesting. The most interesting decisions are made at 6 glasses of wine, yes, but this is unsustainable. You can make one great decision but then your next decision will invariably be to drink more, and your next decisions after that will be boring or incapable of being made. The second glass may be the most freeing, the third the most arousing, and the 5th the funniest to read texts from in the morning, but it's glass 1 where you're at your most productive. Salud!

California confusion

Lots happening this week in the world of wine. Like a houseguest!

James Isbell came to town and with him he brought tales from Google, lots of good vibes and a beautiful bottle of Cabernet:

This Cab was ripe and burst-y like Ellen Burstyn with plenty of classic Cabernet blackberry and black cherry flavors, plus pepper and leather. Its earthiness, which as you know I've been on a quest for, reminded me of a slightly disappointing wine I'd brought to a Golden Globes party the Sunday prior:

Black Mountain Pinot Noir was plenty tasty. It just wasn't what I was looking for in a Pinot Noir. Pinots are supposed to be light bodied with notes of red cherry and red meat and cola and earth. But this guy rocked raspberry and vanilla above all else. Wtf? Then I remembered another California Pinot Noir I tasted and realized I was starting to see a pattern (this is a real link. I get that I burned you with that Google one but this one is real). These were great wines, but not in the ways I was looking for in a Pinot Noir.

Another accidental gif! How am I doing this?! I think taking many pictures of the same person in the same place in a row? I'm literally magic. Also check out Kate's Olivia Pope wine glasses! I am told by people who watch television program "Scandal" that this is impressive! This is a long caption!

Ok, back to business. I didn't even realize I was buying the same brand when I picked up this Zinfandel:

I simply took Paul's suggestion that he often finds earth (and spice and smoke, his favorite aromatics in a wine) in California Zins. And now I see it. Now I see why Zinfandel is California's grape. And just like I can eat pizza here and tacos in New York but they aren't gonna be as good, I get why a great five dollar wine can only be found in the local wheelhouse.

Because this wine doesn't just suit my savory-minded style. No, this guy is layered as hell, combining Old World and New World aromatics for a full, fruity, leathery, peppery wine. Raspberry, blackberry, green and black pepper, leather, tobacco on the nose. A rich jamminess, a little caramel and smoke on the palate but not too sweet. Our other roommate David made a heavenly tomato jam this weekend and it reminds me of that, with its balance of sweetness, acid and layers on layers of spice. All this Old World prestige and New World bounty for I think it was 5 or 6 bucks? It's safe to say Black Mountain 2012 Zinfandel is one I'll be buying again.

Wine crush part III: try a little tenderness

I've been known to occasionally compare wine to love, and one of my favorite topics is wine crushes, both requited and unrequited. Last week, I learned I'm predictable when it comes to my palate, favoring earthy wines above others. One of the recommended grapes on my chart was Sangiovese, so I took to my local Trader Joe's in search of a bottle. I'd tried Grifone's Primitivo to decent results, so I figured I'd give their equally cheap (4 bucks!), also charmingly labeled (sleek!) Sangiovese a try to celebrate finishing my puzzle (1000 pieces in 8 days!).

My first sip was a huge disappointment. Apparently that powerful aroma of mulch and leather and other things that should never be liquid is only found in expensive wines? But I hated to give in to that idea. So I tried a little tenderness. I sniffed with the wine still. I swirled. I dug deep into that wine, probing and nuzzling and pondering until I detected some earthy notes. Sure, it was mostly fruit. But there was more, too. Even if it wasn't really there, I found something special in that four-dollar fountain of truth.

"You could build a city in the forgotten spaces between things." This line from Jennifer Egan's "Look At Me" is one of my favorites. It's written on half an index card and hung over my desk, right beneath a framed photo of a koala and next to a bottle of scotch (my spirit animals). It helps me remember to notice the little things, and the non-things, and the feeling things we've been too successful in forgetting. It reminds me that the things we fail to notice and the things we fail to imagine are the same, which means that like the things we do notice, that which we imagine is real.

Is this wine good? Or is its sleek label on the green bottle, its being made out of a grape I was sure I'd love, its price tag so temptingly low that I found a way to like it? And if I savor it, if I build aromatics in the forgotten space between sips, does it really matter?

Oh I fancy huh

It may shock some of you to learn that these posts aren't all that official. Like the Schouten Feelings Standard has yet to be adopted by sommeliers worldwide. Lame. For fun, I thought I'd share a proper tasting note I did last spring for my wine class. It also allows me to brag about the one time I drank a wine that cost more than $20 (thanks, Dad). True tasters will evaluate wines the same way every time, taking down each detail from price to palate. This allows them to compare wines efficiently, even if they haven't tasted a particular wine in a while.

Below my tasting note (after the terribly framed photo. Thanks, self) is an explanation of how to draw each of these official, non-feelings-based conclusions. Even if you don't plan to ever make a proper tasting note, these tips will help you evaluate wine wherever you are and whatever your price point. Because engaging our senses is fun! Speaking of fun, quick puzzle update, I am TEARING THROUGH this thing even without a box top so I don't know what it looks like. It's a great puzzle full of twists and turns and things are going really well between us.

Francis Ford Coppola Director's Cut 2011 Merlot
Sonoma County, CA
$20.99, 13.5% ABV

Appearance: A normal red wine in the glass. Only the tiniest bit transparent, mostly opaque. Ruby red with a little purpley-blue.

Nose: Earth aromas of forest floor and oak alongside black cherry, blackberry and smoke. A little caramel, coconut and cedar as well.

Palate: Dry wine with sweetness at the tip of the tongue. Fruit-forward with a little raspberry in addition to the black cherry and blackberry. Lots of earth and smoke here as well. Finish is medium to long, especially since the caramel and coconut really hang on the alcohol. Both acidity and tannins and low to medium, and the quality of the tannins are smooth and round.

Conclusion: I'd call this wine layered but not complex. It is straightforward in its many aromatics, which hit fruit and earth and winemaking right on the head. To enhance the smoke, pair with grilled meats in a lighter marinade or chipotle-spiced tacos.

Tasting note breakdown

Heading: Here you will provide all practical information about the wine. If wine tasting is like dating (which I have already told you it is), this is where you get the basic details: height, job, dopeness of hairstyle.

Appearance: Unlike in dating, here the appearance is the least important factor in determining anything about anything. A few clues, however, can give us potential insight into a wine's age, style and grape varietal, but all must be confirmed by other factors. A quick swirl can help you determine the body of the wine. Unless a wine is high in sugar and alcohol, like port, which will move more slowly, it should be in the normal range.

When I say age, I mean age for that wine. A Cabernet may be too young to drink even after a few years, while a Sauvignon Blanc should be consumed quickly and will start to look old perhaps after only 18 months. Red wines get lighter with age while white wines get darker. A young red wine will have a purpley-blue tone that reaches all the way to the edge of the liquid when the glass is tipped slightly, while over time the color will move toward a translucent rust-brown color. White wines will be clear and bright in youth, then they'll brown over time. But a good Pinot Noir is often transparent, and a beautiful Amarone will be brown-ish in color even when young. And you may prefer an older wine. I sometimes do. Young wines will yield more fruit-forward flavors. Older wines develop what is known as a "bottle bouquet" and have weirder, more complex, tertiary flavors in play.

This is also the time to notice sediment or petillance. Sediment is extremely rare and usually a good thing. Most wine now is fined and filtered, expect for old or fancy or super organic wines. So before you send a sediment-y wine back, consider how expensive it is. Seriously. The more expensive, the more likely that sediment is supposed to be there. What you believe is sediment may also be tartrates, a natural byproduct of tartaric acid, which is the acid from grapes. Not an issue. Petillance is common in delicate whites. If you see it in a red that's not supposed to sparkle, it could be a sign of bad things. Ask your server for their opinion.

Nose: Contrary to popular belief, you should not immediately swirl your wine. You'll actually pick up a different set of aromatics when a wine is still and right after it's been swirled. So give it a good sniff and make some notes before swirling. Then spin and get your nose up in there again. Cool, right? The incomparable Shelby Ledgerwood gave us a neat tip for helping to determine what we're smelling: start broad then narrow it down. So start with citrus, then consider what kind and even what form. Fresh grapefruit. Lemon curd. Dried orange peel. Start with earth, then narrow that down: dirt, leather, tobacco, horse. I don't always get all the way there (see: "earth" in every post I've ever written), but it makes trying less intimidating.

Palate: The same as nose, plus more! You may get slightly different aromatics on the palate (known as "in-mouth aromatics"). To help with that, hold the wine in your mouth and suck a little air in through your teeth. You'll get a little slurping noise. The air coming in helps you activate your nose, which is where tasting really happens. Our mouths only taste sweet, salty, bitter, sour and umami. Everything else is scent. Here you'll evaluate those taste elements (dry wine or sweet, how dry and how sweet?). Salty wines don't really exist, but some super fresh whites will be so dry they'll seem salty, as you'll salivate a lot after drinking them. Bitterness comes from tannin. The tannin level will inform your serving and pairing suggestions (which will come in the conclusion). Fats cut tannins, and bitter foods like greens boost the bitterness. Most wines do NOT need to be decanted or oxygenated or let to breathe. Only super tannic wines require this, so don't pour out your reds automatically. Taste first, pour second. The acidity and finish are also evaluated here. I'm terrible at evaluating acidity. I think it's like determined by the sides of your tongue? And how dry your mouth is after? Sorry, bros. The finish is how long the flavors persist on the palate. 2-4 seconds is short, 5-8 is medium, 9+ is long. A classic "one Mississippi, two Mississippi..." in your head will do.

Conclusion: Here is where you evaluate anything you want about the wine. The value for it's price, what to serve with it, when to drink it, how it compares to other wines of its varietal and/or region. It seems like a good spot for some feelings, but a true taster will be using an objective system. It's not about if you like it, it's about the structure, nose, and quality of the wine. I tend to do a little of each. I try to evaluate first objectively, then in terms of how much I like it. This allows me to determine the kinds of wines I like to drink. So at this point, even without my recent discovery that I'm embarrassingly predictable, I know I enjoy a murky, dirty, Old World-style wine. Give proper tasting a try. At the very least, you'll have taken a moment out of your drinking to engage the senses. If that's not the best form of meditation, I don't know what is.

Adventures in wine tasting and how it turns out I'm totally predictable

As I mentioned last week, I signed up for this HuffPo-certified wine club. The first thing they do in this club is send you mini bottles of wine. You taste those, and your reactions to them creates a taste profile that helps Lot18 send you wines you'll like. This weekend I got my tasting kit and learned a very important lesson:

Wine tasting is exactly like dating.

As a 27-and-a-half-year-old woman of the modern era with breasts and minimal shyness, I've had the opportunity to date a lot. I'm not one of these people who likes going on dates. I admire those people. I really do. I wish I could be like them. But for me, dates are all about anxiety. Will he like me? Will I like him? Will he like me but I don't like him and then I'll blow him off totally gracelessly and rack up even more bad romantic karma? Will I be honest, like everyone tells you to be, only to be known as a bitch forevermore (the guaranteed consequence of honesty, by the way. I've determined there are only two ways to tell someone you're not interested that will spare their feelings and yours: say you've decided to be exclusive with someone else, or just ignore them entirely and let them assume you died. Lying and disappearing may seem immature, because they are, but they're also the easiest and kindest way to go about things. No one wants to hear the truth. Anyone who says they do is lying. People want to hear they're great and that is all).

What got me thinking about all this, besides the fact that I'm a human being, was my tasting kit. Lot18 gives you six wines, two whites and four reds, along with basic tasting instructions (that are woefully incomplete), and a piece of paper to put your glasses on which makes it seem like they had some extra glossy card stock lying around because why. I was so excited to get deep into my nuanced reactions to each wine so as to create a specific profile for my taste buds and then receive wine each month catered to my very whims.

So you can imagine my disappointment when the only questions about the two white wines were: which did you like better? How much more, a lot or a little? And that was it. How are you supposed to tell anything about my tastes just from that??

Another disappointment was the wines themselves: Ten Sisters 2011 Sauvignon Blanc from New Zealand and Finial 2011 Chardonnay from Sonoma. I get what they did here: gave me the two main families of white wine, buttery and tart. And while each wine did a fine job representing its typicity (meaning what wines of that grape and region tend to taste like), neither was particularly exciting. The Sauvignon Blanc had a mineral quality and tartness, but without the burst of grapefruit and green apple I expect, especially from Marlborough. The Chardonnay was pure buttered popcorn and baked red apple, which might be nice for a Chardonnay but just isn't for me. I didn't really like either wine, but didn't want to get sent a bunch of Chardonnay, so I said I liked the Sauvignon Blanc much better. Sort of like when a friend sets you up with an actress and a doctor, and you don't like either, but since everyone in LA loves to hate on actresses, you say prefer the doctor for future reference. But you sleep with the actress because, I mean, of course. Like I wasn't going to not drink the Chardonnay. There was perfectly good alcohol in there. End of the whites.

I moved on to the reds expecting more bland typicity and unrevealing questions. Voila 2009 Pinot Noir from California was next, and it had the basic earth and fruit balance of a California Pinot, some berries, fruitier than its European counterparts but still a bit savory. It was fine. And just as I started to worry that maybe it was me, maybe I was too picky, maybe I'd never find a wine I could truly love because I didn't love myself, I took a whiff of the Nebbiolo. And, as it turns out...

Everyone has a type.

Ordine di San Giuseppe 2011 Nebbiolo d'Alba is a star. Licorice and dirt and blackberry and leather and pepper and WOW. And I hadn't even tasted it. On the palate this wine was super tannic but still velvety and weird and wonderful. Now, here's the thing. I've tasted Nebbiolo maybe twice in my life. So even if this is typical, it's new to me. Here's the other thing: I don't care. This is exactly the kind of wine I like. Which made me realize that this, too, could be a basic, typical wine. But when you find your type, to you, it's new and electrifying, even if it's just like all the other wines you've tried or people you've dated because there's a reason you keep going back. It's chemical.

I go back and forth with online dating. I was off for about four months but I recently reactivated my profile. When you do this, all your old messages pop back up. Some of the users have since left the site, but if they're still on it, but some are still around, looking for love. I logged in and found most of the messages were from users who were no longer active. But there was one chain with a guy I'd been messaging back and forth with quite a bit, who I seem to have been pretty into. Too bad I left the site. It seems like we could have dated. But I'm not too worried about what might have been, because, you see, we did.

About a month after I left the world of internet love, I met this guy in real life. We dated for six weeks or so, and then just stopped calling each other. While we were perfect on paper, I think we both realized the spark wasn't there. That's how I felt, anyway. I have no idea why he just disappeared, the bastard. And I know he didn't just die because I ran into him since then. He was on a date. She looked a lot like me.

In our messages, this guy talks about his new favorite place in LA. We went there on our second date. We discuss our favorite books. We did it again in real life. I had no clue when we met or throughout the relationship that we'd had this correspondence. If he did, he didn't let on. Remember, my profile disappeared when I deactivated my account, so he wouldn't have had the pictures for reference anymore. But this wasn't fate. This was too banal for fate. This was just the inevitability of two people who were each others' types. When you find someone or something whose qualities you're predetermined to like, you're gonna like them, no matter how typical.

There were a couple other wines, Letterpress Red Blend (I think, this wine needs a far less confusing label) and Fortuna 2010 Cabernet Sauvignon from Paso Robles. They were solid but nothing compared to the novel Nebbiolo. More typicity at work. I answered the shockingly few questions dutifully and received my profile.

The whites profile was dumb. I mean, I compared two wines I didn't like without ever being allowed to point out that I liked neither. So I clicked to the reds, and was embarrassed to find...

They nailed it.

I mean they just got me. I'm just as typical and predictable as these wines! In only a few questions, I managed to be pegged for my exact tastes. I love Tempranillos. Earthy wines are my fav. I was just as fated to love the wine that was perfect on paper for me as I was inevitably going to date that guy.

I ended up canceling my membership when I saw the wines they planned to send me. Until they expand their inventory, it seems they'll be sending more of a sampler than wines tailored to the members' tastes as promised. I know what I like. But I also know that the most important thing is to be surprised. That element was lacking in my autumn courtship and exploded from my glass of Nebbiolo. Surprise doesn't mean dating or drinking against type. It just means that even if something is perfect on paper, it needs an x factor to put it over the edge. The scent of licorice. The subtle kiss of leather. Or really good sex.

Wine + nothing: a true lush's guide to wine pairing

Wine is amazing and also terrifying. Wine combines a beautiful history with fascinating science with a treasure hunt of sensations (aromatics! Tannins! Mouth-feel!) with getting rosy-cheeked and uninhibited. The problem is that when you don’t know every detail about all of this stuff, you can feel like wine is like that exclusive foursquare game the cool girls in third grade started where they said they had a rule of “no lines” so only the four of them could play but then when one of them was sick and you asked if now you could join they said they didn’t feel like playing foursquare today and you wanted to die a petite and horrible third grade death. So you pretend you don’t care about foursquare or mouth-feel because you’re not in the club.

Nothing creates this feeling of inadequacy more than wine pairings. I’ve taken wine classes. I have a little confidence. But when it comes to pairing wine with food, I’m usually at a bit of a loss, because the rules are full on bullshit. Ideally, you’re supposed to open up a few bottles and taste each with the food. I’m sorry, but who has the cash for that? Who has the food all ready to go before wine pouring time? And who’s throwing a dinner party at our age where it’s not up to the guests to bring beverages? This “ideal” situation is fraught.

So here’s my solution: don’t pair wine with food. Pair wine with feelings.

Are you feeling anxious? Calm down with something rich and red to dive into, like Syrah or Cabernet or Don Draper making you jam. Sweaty? I don’t care if you’re serving beef, you need a crisp Sauvignon Blanc to cool down. Already pretty drunk? Low-alcohol, mega refreshing Lambrusco is the way to go.

Pairing wine with feelings is most important when you’re not serving it with anything at all. Here I think it’s fair to make some hard and fast rules that you should totally break depending on your mood, what you like to drink, and what you have on hand/know how to open.

Official wine pairing rule: Serve red wine with red meat.

Wine + feelings rule: Serve red wine with rain.

Rain inspires either grouchy or poetic feelings. Either way, with both hands on your glass and your nose deep in it, sink into the murkiest, earthiest red you can find (if you have only one bottle of wine in your home, this qualifies) and read “Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban” again because—controversial statement alert—it is the best one by far.

Official wine pairing rule: Serve white wine with fish or vegetables.

Wine + feelings rule: Serve white wine after sex.

Let me set the scene here. You were funny and cool at dinner. Your partner was right there with you. Dinner progressed to your place which progressed to yesssssss. Now you’re thinking the water/cuddle/dream sharing aspect could be extended by sharing a glass or a bottle. You gulp your wine, thirsty from your coital adventures, feasting on the other person’s descriptions of when they knew they liked you. You throw back your head and let out a throaty, ultra-charming laugh and in the light from the bedside lamp, your hair is tousled and your neck is swan-like and your ears are a delicate arabesque and your teeth… are bright f-ing red. If you’re drinking fast and not eating and up close and personal, stick to white.

Official wine pairing rule: Don’t serve wine that’s been open for more than a day.

Wine + feelings rule: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA what am I a sultan? A sultan made of wine? Yeah no I’m def drinking this.

Official wine pairing rule: Make sure the acidity of the wine is higher than the acidity of the food.

Wine + feelings rule: Don’t drink wine before dropping acid. Let the acid kick in first, then decide how you feel.

Official wine pairing rule: High tannin wine like Cabernet needs to be cut with something fatty like steak, and will taste bitter if served with salad or other greens.

Wine + feelings rule: Don’t feel guilty about enjoying a glass of wine, or ordering the cheapest bottle on the menu, or not knowing the history of barrel making. It will make your experience bitter and fruitless. Enjoy yourself. A little treat and the pleasure it gives you is lovelier than all the fad diets and wine books in the world. Also, if you drink wine and eat salad, you are a straight up French person and I would like to be your friend.

But really, the only rule that matters when tasting and pairing and drinking and learning about wine is to have fun. Actually, additional rule, have enough cheap stemware that you can be super gracious if someone breaks a glass. Because there’s nothing that doesn’t go with being a lovely hostess.

(still super into this graphic which i made with my own treasured hands)

My friends are doing some pretty exciting things

You know, friendships can be tricky. You have to pick super awesome people, then be loyal and kind to them. Oh, wait, so no, they're not that hard at all.

My friends are doing great things constantly, but I thought I'd take a moment to point out three in particular who did things that fit in ever so nicely with the themes of this blog: wine, food and comedy.

On the food front, my friend Gianna has been delivering solid recipes and adorable insights on her quest for Italian citizenship over at A Pinch of Direction for a while now. In addition to some of the tastiest recipes I've ever been blessed to try (the passionfruit jam will change your life), Gianna's candid admission of mistakes and tips for correcting them in advance are something I'd like to see in every cookbook. She changes recipes to suit her mood or diet and encourages you to do the same, all of it with heart and humor. It makes cooking fun and improvisational and collaborative instead of intimidating. Definitely check her out and get cooking.

Comedy-wise, I am beyond excited about my friend Kate's super new and already super successful new project, Ladies Against Humanity. Created in the most organic, why-not fashion when she heard Cards Against Humanity had no female writers, Kate expected it to be a silly little website to show a few coworkers. It took her about 20 minutes to make it. When I retweeted her a mere 2 hours after she created it, I didn't realize I was actually jumping on a bandwagon, as the site is already a runaway success. And of course it is, just look at it, it's hilarious. You can follow and tweet suggestions for additional cards here. Guys, this is the person with whom I will be watching The Millionaire Matchmaker tonight. I feel like I won the friendship lottery.

Oh, and isn't this blog supposed to be about wine? Totally killing at being a social human being and aspiring oenophile is my friend Liz, who has started The West Hollywood Wine society. Liz is a great hostess. I've witnessed and been guilty of spills, glass breaks, and all sorts of mischief, and she always takes it in stride. But this might be her most genius gathering yet. At the bi-weekly meetings, she has everyone bring a bottle based on a theme and say something about it, plus has two people "volunteer as tribute" (her adorable way of having a couple guests bring snacks). Liz kept the ball rolling on discussion and even let me lead douchey, official-ish tastings. The pours got bigger as the hours got smaller, and suffice it to say I had way more fun on a Wednesday night than anyone should be allowed. Kudos, Miss Elizabeth! Thank you for letting me bring my tasting glasses and act very pretentious, and for the moment you hushed the room and encouraged me to recite a poem. Your friendship choice here may have been questionable, but I am grateful you made it. And if anyone is interested in my selection for last night's theme, "Your Go-to Wine," it was this guy.

some of last night's crew

That's not rose.

GUYS I ACCIDENTALLY TOOK A GIF ON MY PHONE AND HAVE NO IDEA HOW I DID IT BUT WANT TO DO IT AGAIN FOREVER HOW????

lovely liz